Powerful Video

 Check out the video on this page. here.

Because of these things

I wanted to share this post with everyone. I did not write this post, but with her permission, I'm going to share it here.

I have wanted to post on this blog several times, but I haven't. I didn't want to turn this blog into a whine fest; I wanted to talk about something positive once in awhile, but I didn't know how.

This wonderful woman took the words out of my mouth.

Here's what she has to say:

Because of these things...

Oh hi again. It's me writing yet another blog post about religion. I would apologize (nobody likes constant sappy in your face church posts), but I can't. I feel so strongly that I need to make my feelings public. (Ha. What a funny world we live in.) These thoughts have been on my mind for some time, but General Conference was the cherry on top and pushed me over the edge. 

Conference helped me realize some things in myself. Things that I already kinda knew, but didn't realize until I was pondering on all the messages shared. This post might be a jumble or a "glass case of emotion." I'm not sure what to expect so here goes. 

I gave the title "because of these things" for a reason. I've tried to be somewhat open and not ashamed of our struggles to turn our family of two into a family of three. This has been scary and therapeutic all at once. Nobody enjoys being vulnerable about their most tender trials. I've been fortunate to come across some kind, wonderful, and supportive women as a result of being more open. 

It has been over a year since I was officially diagnosed with PCOS. I've come to realize that women get pregnant all the live long day with this diagnosis. It is not the end all for fertility by any means. I've learned that there are different levels of PCOS and mine is on the more severe side. There are medicines such as Clomid and Metformin that I could go on to increase fertility. For whatever reason, I strongly feel that these are not the routes for me. I've searched for alternative medicines and found an amazing naturopathic doctor. I've seen small improvements for my PCOS and I remain hopeful that we will be able to have a child without other alternatives. 

Because I know women with PCOS who have gotten pregnant with zero to little problems, I feel like a fraud talking about infertility. I feel like my case is less severe. I feel like there are women who have it much harder than me. I acknowledge this and try to remember this when I'm having a pity party. I am grateful our scenario isn't worse. 

Getting back to religion, I had a massive breakdown last week. You know the one, the uncontrollable sobs, the shoulders shaking, you look like a blotchy red mess? It's super attractive. Sometimes I feel like it's a good thing every once in awhile. I'm a pent up emotions type of personality. Shake me like a pop bottle until one day, all the tears come out. Ryan held me as I cried and shared what I was feeling. Afterwards, I listened to Elder Wirthlin's last talk, "Come What May and Love it." It is one of my all time favorites. It is so good. 

I had a lot of "ah-ha" moments while listening and wanted to share the lessons I've learned over the past year since dealing with all this stuff. 

 

-Because of these things I've learned what kind of heart [my husband] truly has.

My husband is quiet, reserved, and more on the shy side until he is comfortable. He will do anything for anyone and wants everyone to be happy. He is genuine, sincere, and honest. (Almost a little too honest. Haha kidding.) He is tender hearted, caring, and loves with a depth that few know and understand. I've watched his heart break when we talk about children. I've watched those beautiful brown eyes fill with tears over hurt feelings. I've seen him wipe away others tears. He is a loving, kind person. Many couples say struggling to conceive tears couples apart. For me, it has helped me love [my husband] on a whole new level and appreciate the person that he is. He has wrapped his arms around me and held me while I've cried. He's tried doing silly things just to get me to laugh. He is a good person and I'm grateful he is mine.

 

-Because of these things I've discovered that every single person has a "thing." 

Not one person is exempt from trials. As I've opened up and talked with more people, I've realized that everyone has something that makes them hurt or feel broken. Everyone. We all have burdens weighing us down. I used to think everyone had perfect lives but me. People have great lives, but they cannot escape having a "thing." Whether it be addictions in all their forms, hurt feelings, low self esteem, wayward family members, loss of a loved one, struggling over big decisions, etc. We all have something. We're all on equal playing ground. 

 

-Because of these things my hard heart has softened. 

I used to be proud of my sassy, independent, women can rule the world attitude. I was very much about the girl power, and I still am to a degree. However, without even realizing it, I had let the world make my heart hard. I lost that compassion and saw softness as a weakness. How naive I was. I realize what a strength it is to be meek, humble, and submissive to the Spirit. I'm not great at those things, but I'm learning. Being a Mother was never really on the top of my list. I never wanted to play with dolls much as a child. I was all about Barbies and sports. Within the past 3 years, something changed in my heart. That mothering desire I didn't even know I had was shining through. Now, I can't imagine not ever getting a chance to be a Mom. This trial has taught me it's okay to be soft. In fact, the world needs more soft women. There are far too many with hearts of stone. 

 

-Because of these things I've learned that there are good people that care. 

I often felt alone at first. I struggled a lot. Slowly, but surely, people have surprised me with their kindness and empathy. I have been blessed. Sometimes you just need a hug and people to cry with you, I feel like I have a few friends that would drop everything and be there if I asked. It has made a difference for me. 

 

-Because of these things I've realized how to have compassion for others.

I'm not perfect at this. I'm still learning, but going through my own trials has made me more aware of others. I'm learning how to read body language more efficiently. Sometimes you can see the hurt of burdens in people's eyes. People try and be strong, but you need to always be willing to help them whether they ask or not. Again, not perfect at this one, but I'm learning.

 

-Because of these things I've realized that faith is a gift.

We all have gifts and talents. I've learned that one of mine is faith. I have complete faith, not a perfect faith, but a firm faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. It is hard trusting at times, but I hold on to that faith and hope that days will get better. I have faith that the Savior can heal my heart and knows my sorrows. I am grateful for my faith. I can't imagine going through trials without faith in God. 

 

-Because of these things I've realized that the Savior loves me.

This has been a difficult lesson to learn. Why would He love a chubby, broken, sinner like myself? I don't have a Masters. I don't have children. I am too sassy for my own good. I'm not successful with life. Why? Why would He waste His time on me? I'm not perfect. My body isn't perfect. My life isn't perfect. However, I am trying. I am trying to be better and to be a good person. I know that He knows that. He loves me, babyless and all. He is my Savior, my Friend, my Shepherd, and my Redeemer. He died for me. He suffered my pains and knows better than anyone how to heal me. I must be an okay person if the Savior thinks I'm worth it. 

-Because of these things I've learned that life doesn't go according to plan. 

My plan was to marry Ryan, have 2 fabulous years playing, and then get pregnant right away. That was the dream. But just like Rapunzel, I had to find a new dream. Life hasn't gone according to our brilliant plan. It has been a tough pill to swallow. For me, the girl with the plan, to not have a plan has been difficult. I've had to put a lot of trust in The Lord and in His timing. It's easier said then done sometimes. 

 

-Because of these things I've learned that people don't mean to be offensive.

People say super cool things to me about infertility. It used to make my blood boil and I'd whip out my sassy pants faster than a lion chasing a warthog. (Sorry Pumba.) I got a little too sassy at a relief society activity one time.... I've come to learn that people are just not aware of how hurtful their comments are. Now I can smile, take it with a grain of salt, and politely correct them when it's needed. People are generally good and have good intentions, they don't mean to hurt my feelings. 

 

-Because of these things I've re-realized the goodness of the Savior. 

God is so good. Jesus Christ is so good. They are both incredibly loving and merciful. When struggling with depression, I discovered what the Atonement meant to me. Now, struggling with this, I've learned what the Atonement means to me on a whole new level. I am so grateful that the Savior knows how to heal my broken heart. He alone can heal me like no other source can. He suffered my trials, my heartaches, and knows with exactness how I'm feeling. What a huge blessing. 

-Because of these things I've discovered who my real friends are. 

I won't go into details. It is pretty self explanatory.

 

-Because of these things I've learned to appreciate families and the Plan of Salvation. 

I'm so grateful for our families. We feel their love and support often. They are a blessing. I've realized that God didn't ever want us to be alone. Families are a treasure here on Earth. :)

 

-Because of these things I've learned what I can and can't handle. 

There's a saying something like "you don't know how strong you are until it's the only option you have." Uhhh that saying is stupid. When faced with a trial, you have several options!!! You always, always have choices. You can give up, go forward, complain, gain strength, etc. I may not know all my limits because I'm sure I have harder things in life to face than this, but if I know what I can and can't handle I'll be ok. I couldn't handle being the primary pianist. I had to "quit" for my own well being. I can work with the children at my job. I can't handle seeing billions of people's pregnancy announcements wondering if I'll ever get a turn. I can handle my friends bringing beautiful children into the world. I have an idea about what my limits are to an extent. 

 

-Because of these things I am blessed. 

It sounds silly and cliche, but without these struggles we've been facing, I might not have learned some valuable lessons, I still have many lessons to learn and I'm still trying to improve, but I'm realizing that perhaps this was the best way for me to gain this knowledge. Just like the Provo Tabernacle, Heavenly Father needs me to be burned down in order to prepare for something better. I'm not grateful everyday for this trial, but I'm learning to appreciate the good that it has taught me. 

I'm trying to find joy in the journey. There really is beauty in all things, we just have to search for it sometimes. My life isn't going according to plan, but I'm realizing more and more that I am blessed and I have much to be thankful for.

I hope everyone else was as touched by her words as I was. It takes a LOT of courage to share this kind of intimate stuff with people and I really respect her for it. She is really one of those glass-half-full-silver-lining people. In my own journey of infertility, I've learned how much optimism is a choice.  I'm sure this individual struggles and has hard days and her heartache is still significant, but she is also able to see the opportunity for growth in her struggle and I feel that is the key to "making it" though the trial and keeping your head up. 

Healing on the inside

Exactly one year ago was when Mr. C and I  last saw my OB/GYN doctor. It was then that my doctor suggested I go on a 1800 calorie diet and exercise to lose weight in order to help my symptoms associated with PCOS and Endometriosis. 

My first reaction was to laugh - Doesn't he know how hard I've tried to lose weight? Doesn't he know exercising irritates my endometriosis? Does he even remember all that I've gone through this year, including a recent surgery? 

My second reaction was ignorance - I already know I had failed in the "get healthy and move active" department and a doctor's recommendation to try again wasn't enough motivation to get healthy and lose weight. Even if he promised my symptoms would improve and give me a greater chance should I want to do fertility treatments in the near future. 

This past year, I haven't really taken my doctor's words to heart. In fact, I've ignored them completely! I'm started to realize just how stupid I was to ignore my doctor's advice. These last few months, Mr. C and I have started to research fertility treatments. After much reading and researching, my heart started to ache and my mind echoed the words of my doctor "You need to get healthy should you ever want a chance to conceiving a child". 

Sure, I could easily do various fertility treatments now in the hopes that we conceive a child - but what if I do conceive a child? Would my body be able to carry or support the growing child? Would my pre-diabetes condition evolve into gestation diabetes and carry on after I deliver? Would I be willing to risk my health and the health of my unborn child due to all the complications of being unhealthy and overweight while pregnant?

I don't want that for me or my unborn child. 

Three weeks ago, I decided that part of my infertility journey will be to heal from the inside out. I need to lose weight. I need to eat healthier. I need to exercise regularly. I need to heal my body in hopes that being healthier will help treat my PCOS and make my endometriosis more tolerable. 

Since then, I have already lost 7 lbs and 1-3 inches on various parts of my body. I already notice some of my symptoms starting to get better. My pelvic pain is less noticeable, my hair isn't falling out as much, my facial hair doesn't grow as fast and my body in general feels better. I can feel my body healing on the inside and I'm happy. 

For once, I feel like actively working towards my future family. I no longer feel like I have to wait - wait for a doctor to okay me for one part of the process, or wait see how various results turn out, or slowly  wait earn money for future treatments. I now can do something about my fertility! I have a new found hope that what I'm doing now is preparing for our future family - no matter how our family may grow!

Being healthier has never felt so good!

Conflicted

So.... My best friend is pregnant. And I feel-- conflicted. One side: I am SO excited for her. I can't even express how much joy I felt when I got that text message with the pregnancy test in the picture. I hurried out and I went and built her a morning sickness care package with Preggie Pops (special hard candy's for morning sickness) Sea Bands, this really amazing roll-on perfume that smells exactly like ginger, and a copy of "What to expect when you're expecting" because I knew she didn't have a copy. I even found this really great card that when you opened it it said "In my experience, there's no such thing as luck". I thought it was hilarious given my situation so I got that as well. I pictured myself giving it to her and how happy we were going to be talking about her upcoming baby and all the things she's excited about. I could give her some of the information that I had been researching about different birthing methods, etc. I gave her that gift last night and it was exactly like I pictured. It was so much fun talking to her about everything. She told me she was afraid to tell me because she was afraid my feelings would be hurt, and I quickly assured her that I couldn't be happier. But this morning. I feel so much joy that there is going to be this new little person in my life. SO much joy. but I am so afraid of the pain it's going to cause. I know that at some point I am going to look at my friend and be sad. I know that at some point, I am going to look at this baby and feel pain. I know that it's coming because that ache is always there inside me. That feeling of emptiness and like you aren't good enough. The feeling that if you could just do this one thing then God would give you a baby. I feel that pain there and I know that at some point I am going to feel that way about my friend. All I can focus on is how I am going to handle that feeling. I know that the only thing I can do, is pray. Pray for the comfort and companionship of my Heavenly Father to know that he understand me and my pain. To know that I only have to wait a little longer-- however long that may be. Honestly, I think I'd rather go bowling.

To Mourn an Absence

“But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words “to mourn an absence”. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I am sorry for your loss”. But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”




- Laura Bush

Letting go of the "Baby" room

I've debated about writing this experience, as it seems very insignificant and probably something "silly" to even discuss....but who knows. Maybe its not as silly as I think and my experience can hit home to another woman out in the big wide world and make her feel not so silly like I do right now.

Mr. C and I recently moved to a bigger place  6 months ago after our old apartment flooded. We were blessed in finding a 3 bedroom, 2 bath home - one room extra than our old place. It truly feels like a family home and we couldn't be happier! Mr. C and I are in love with our new place and loving the extra room even more.

When we first moved in to our new place, we had an unspoken agreement that the extra room next to our bedroom would be the future baby room. We haven't put any of furniture in the room or stored anything in the closets, except for a few baby items I have acquired throughout our marriage.

Every morning, I would see that empty room. A silent reminder of our "empty" nest. I would often fantasize where I would put the baby crib. What color scheme I would use to match the carpet. Where I would place all the cute baby decor on the walls. If the rocking chair would work better near corner by the window or on the other side of the crib. Thinking of the future nursery I hoped to one day have would bring me happiness, but only for a short time. Slowly, the happiness turned negative as reality set in regarding my infertility and I could only focus on the emptiness and the lifelessness of the room.

I never could have imagined a room being such a negative and painful reminder of my infertility. I started closing the door and avoiding the room completely - just so I wouldn't have those negative, depressive feelings.

Then, a blessing in disguised came in the form of free furniture.  A co-worker was cleaning out her house and had offered to give me a bedroom set and a dining room table - completely free! I couldn't pass it up, especially since our old dining room table was warped due to the flood in our old apartment and I always wanted to have a guest bedroom.

Once Mr. C and I brought the furniture home, we quickly realized that the bedroom set was slightly bigger than the room we had planned to make the guest bedroom, especially with our office/craft furniture also in the room. The only room it would available for the furniture to fit in was the 3rd bedroom - my hopeful future nursery room.

Even though I had been avoiding that room like the plague, I wasn't ready to give up our nursery. I didn't want to let go of the possibility that the extra room could be turned into a nursery. I wasn't ready for that room to be used for anything else but  a nursery.

I felt sick to my stomach as we slowly moved the furniture to the "nursery". The queen size bed frame was placed where I would have put the crib. The dresser was placed on the wall where I would have liked to put pictures of our baby in cute colorful frames. One of the nightstands were exactly in the place I decided the rocking chair would go. It was painful to slowly replace my visions of a nursery with non-baby furniture. After we were done, I had an emotional meltdown and cried.

I know it seems silly to feel so sick over a spare room and replacing it with furniture. It even seems silly to me now as I look back on that day. Thankfully, I laugh about it now. But at that moment, I felt the spare room now becoming the guest bedroom was replacing my dreams of our nursery. I wasn't ready to give up "one more thing" to infertility.

Now - I absolutely love our guestroom! I love looking into this room filled with furniture and thinking about the friends and family we can now have stay in our home. I now fantasize about all the different color schemes I could use and frequently cruise pinterest for creative DIY projects to make the room even more fitting for a guest bedroom.

This silly little experience did let me see how this once empty room related to my own life. I see how I have let my sorrows and frustrations due to my infertility give me an excuses to stay empty. I would ignore baby showers, avoid looking through the cute baby clothes on sale at the store and completely avoid meetings at church because I know they would talk about motherhood - all painful reminders of infertility, just like the empty room. Who knows? I could have had a blast at the baby shower with all my friends. I could have enjoyed a wonderful lesson at Church. I could have found a cute baby outfit on sale for a friend's upcoming shower.  I have been leaving my life empty to experiences because of my infertility.

The lesson I gained from this silly experience? I have power. I can choose the experience I want. I can decide if the experiences thrown at me stays empty or if I decide to make the experience fulfilling. Its very powerful to think about, especially when I feel most days I have no control over my circumstances.

Yes, I can never fill the emptiness infertility can bring - its can be a very emotional roller coaster to ride and I know I will have days were I break down and cry. Nothing can ever replace the sting and emptiness infertility can bring. Just like my guest bedroom will never replace my dreams for a nursery. I'm not suggestion I'm completely accepting of my infertility either. (far from in fact, but a long work in process!), I just know I want to be happy and its OKAY to be happy. Its okay to temporarily replace the emptiness with experiences that can make me happy. There is nothing wrong with being happy and I feel more willing to search out more fulfilling experiences in my life. 

Like everything, its going to be a process. It may take a lifetime to finally feel like I've completely grasp this concept. Its going to take a lot of practice and a lot of learning. But I can accept and seek out experiences instead of settling with the emptiness infertility can bring. Its okay to feel empty some days, but I don't have to let the emptiness rule me.

But most of all....Its okay to be happy.

Speaking the common language

What never ceases to amaze me is how every woman who has experienced infertility, no matter what her story, seems to speak a common language.

Here is a post I came across on pinterest today:

From: Hello Bee

Dear Infertile Me,
I am writing to you from almost seven years after you started trying to get pregnant.  As you continue on your journey towards motherhood, I wanted to tell you a few things you will learn along the way.

To begin with, you are not infertile.  You are not barren.  Your eggs have not all dried up.  Let’s just call you momentarily reproductively challenged.  If you start letting words like infertile creep into your vocabulary, you will drive yourself mad.  Trust me on this one.

Trying to conceive and having difficulties SUCKS! No doubt about that. PCOS and a tipped uterus make things difficult, and there is nothing you can do about it.  Waiting for your period that inevitably will crush your spirit each time it arrives stinks!  Symptom spotting, which by the way is only PMS, is torture. Killing yourself with thoughts about how your body is not doing the one thing a woman’s body is supposed to do is ridiculous.  I wish I could make all of the months go away, but I can’t.  This is part of your journey and part of your story.
When people say things to you that make you go into a bout of depression like: “When are you going to start having babies?” or “You should start soon, you’re not getting any younger?” or “We tried this when we were trying… worked the first month.” Just remember they don’t know what they are saying.  People who have not been through it don’t understand.  They don’t mean to hurt your feelings and they don’t know how much their comments dig into the space in your heart that is waiting for a baby.  For the most part humans are curious creatures and want to know about your life.  Please be forgiving even though you wish so often you could punch someone for their insensitivity.

You are not crazy; every single woman you know is pregnant.  Every friend on Facebook is going to start posting pictures of sticks they have peed on with that magical second line or the glorious word pregnant across the screen.  A few months later all the ultrasound pictures will pop up followed by beautiful birth stories.  You will undoubtedly torture yourself over every announcement and every picture.  I wish I could tell you to stop but you won’t.  What I can tell you is how to handle it.  Let yourself mourn each time you read or hear the news of a new pregnancy.  One of them will be your sister, so get ready for that one.  Cry, scream, yell, whatever it takes, do it.  But then you have to move on.  You have to move on and be happy for the people around you.  They are experiencing a joyous occasion in their lives and it’s important not to shut your friends or family out.

You husband is a loving and supportive person but give him time to adjust.  You are not the woman he is used to being married to.  When you can go from a normal wife to a sobbing mess to a raving lunatic in the time span of one commercial break because you are hopped up on so many hormones, he does not know how to deal with it.  He will try his best but he will make mistakes.  You are on this journey together and you will both come out of it alive and well.  I promise.  Cut him some slack and don’t get too angry at him when he has to give you shots in your rump and doesn’t do it as good as a nurse.

Please find the humor in all of this and make some jokes.  Your sense of humor will get you through.  You husband will tease you about the doctor scheduling your intimacy.  Just go with it.  Later you will find the humor in the fact that they marked your calendar with little hearts.  Think of how many sticks you peed on in two years.  Seriously, the owner of EPT should give you some kickback.  It’s ridiculous.

Throughout this process the thing that will bug you the most is your belief in God.  Let me assure you, you are still a Christian woman.  You know it in your heart but there are huge doubts.  You are not losing your faith — you are just angry and that’s OK.  When you feel like talking to him again, just apologize for being so angry and move one.  God did not give you ovaries that work on their own time schedule, if at all.  God didn’t tip that uterus back in a weird shape.  That’s just biology.  What God did give you was the heart of a mother.  I know that it feels like a curse, to have the desire to be a mother so badly and a body that won’t cooperate, but this is the part of you that will lead you to your first child.  Follow your heart and your belief in God and you will be a mother.  Always remember it does not take a pregnancy to become a mother.

I know you are in the middle of one of the hardest times in your life.  If I told you that you will go on to be a mother of four beautiful children you would never believe me, but here it goes. You will choose adoption as your route to your first child because you will get tired of the TTC game and it will be the best decision of your life.  The day you hold your son and look into his eyes you will know that you are his mother.  Three biological children will follow and they will continue to fill your heart with joy.  So please while you struggle through the next few years, just remember that every tear you shed, every ache in your heart and every month you struggle through will be worth it.  You will be a mother and it will be everything you ever wanted.

 Reading this was like reading a letter I had written to myself (minus the part about having 4 children). It amazes me how we women share many of the same feelings even though we don't know each other at all.