I've debated about writing this experience, as it seems very insignificant and probably something "silly" to even discuss....but who knows. Maybe its not as silly as I think and my experience can hit home to another woman out in the big wide world and make her feel not so silly like I do right now.
Mr. C and I recently moved to a bigger place 6 months ago after our old apartment flooded. We were blessed in finding a 3 bedroom, 2 bath home - one room extra than our old place. It truly feels like a family home and we couldn't be happier! Mr. C and I are in love with our new place and loving the extra room even more.
When we first moved in to our new place, we had an unspoken agreement that the extra room next to our bedroom would be the future baby room. We haven't put any of furniture in the room or stored anything in the closets, except for a few baby items I have acquired throughout our marriage.
Every morning, I would see that empty room. A silent reminder of our "empty" nest. I would often fantasize where I would put the baby crib. What color scheme I would use to match the carpet. Where I would place all the cute baby decor on the walls. If the rocking chair would work better near corner by the window or on the other side of the crib. Thinking of the future nursery I hoped to one day have would bring me happiness, but only for a short time. Slowly, the happiness turned negative as reality set in regarding my infertility and I could only focus on the emptiness and the lifelessness of the room.
I never could have imagined a room being such a negative and painful reminder of my infertility. I started closing the door and avoiding the room completely - just so I wouldn't have those negative, depressive feelings.
Then, a blessing in disguised came in the form of free furniture. A co-worker was cleaning out her house and had offered to give me a bedroom set and a dining room table - completely free! I couldn't pass it up, especially since our old dining room table was warped due to the flood in our old apartment and I always wanted to have a guest bedroom.
Once Mr. C and I brought the furniture home, we quickly realized that the bedroom set was slightly bigger than the room we had planned to make the guest bedroom, especially with our office/craft furniture also in the room. The only room it would available for the furniture to fit in was the 3rd bedroom - my hopeful future nursery room.
Even though I had been avoiding that room like the plague, I wasn't ready to give up our nursery. I didn't want to let go of the possibility that the extra room could be turned into a nursery. I wasn't ready for that room to be used for anything else but a nursery.
I felt sick to my stomach as we slowly moved the furniture to the "nursery". The queen size bed frame was placed where I would have put the crib. The dresser was placed on the wall where I would have liked to put pictures of our baby in cute colorful frames. One of the nightstands were exactly in the place I decided the rocking chair would go. It was painful to slowly replace my visions of a nursery with non-baby furniture. After we were done, I had an emotional meltdown and cried.
I know it seems silly to feel so sick over a spare room and replacing it with furniture. It even seems silly to me now as I look back on that day. Thankfully, I laugh about it now. But at that moment, I felt the spare room now becoming the guest bedroom was replacing my dreams of our nursery. I wasn't ready to give up "one more thing" to infertility.
Now - I absolutely love our guestroom! I love looking into this room filled with furniture and thinking about the friends and family we can now have stay in our home. I now fantasize about all the different color schemes I could use and frequently cruise pinterest for creative DIY projects to make the room even more fitting for a guest bedroom.
This silly little experience did let me see how this once empty room related to my own life. I see how I have let my sorrows and frustrations due to my infertility give me an excuses to stay empty. I would ignore baby showers, avoid looking through the cute baby clothes on sale at the store and completely avoid meetings at church because I know they would talk about motherhood - all painful reminders of infertility, just like the empty room. Who knows? I could have had a blast at the baby shower with all my friends. I could have enjoyed a wonderful lesson at Church. I could have found a cute baby outfit on sale for a friend's upcoming shower. I have been leaving my life empty to experiences because of my infertility.
The lesson I gained from this silly experience? I have power. I can choose the experience I want. I can decide if the experiences thrown at me stays empty or if I decide to make the experience fulfilling. Its very powerful to think about, especially when I feel most days I have no control over my circumstances.
Yes, I can never fill the emptiness infertility can bring - its can be a very emotional roller coaster to ride and I know I will have days were I break down and cry. Nothing can ever replace the sting and emptiness infertility can bring. Just like my guest bedroom will never replace my dreams for a nursery. I'm not suggestion I'm completely accepting of my infertility either. (far from in fact, but a long work in process!), I just know I want to be happy and its OKAY to be happy. Its okay to temporarily replace the emptiness with experiences that can make me happy. There is nothing wrong with being happy and I feel more willing to search out more fulfilling experiences in my life.
Like everything, its going to be a process. It may take a lifetime to finally feel like I've completely grasp this concept. Its going to take a lot of practice and a lot of learning. But I can accept and seek out experiences instead of settling with the emptiness infertility can bring. Its okay to feel empty some days, but I don't have to let the emptiness rule me.
But most of all....Its okay to be happy.
