Conflicted

So.... My best friend is pregnant. And I feel-- conflicted. One side: I am SO excited for her. I can't even express how much joy I felt when I got that text message with the pregnancy test in the picture. I hurried out and I went and built her a morning sickness care package with Preggie Pops (special hard candy's for morning sickness) Sea Bands, this really amazing roll-on perfume that smells exactly like ginger, and a copy of "What to expect when you're expecting" because I knew she didn't have a copy. I even found this really great card that when you opened it it said "In my experience, there's no such thing as luck". I thought it was hilarious given my situation so I got that as well. I pictured myself giving it to her and how happy we were going to be talking about her upcoming baby and all the things she's excited about. I could give her some of the information that I had been researching about different birthing methods, etc. I gave her that gift last night and it was exactly like I pictured. It was so much fun talking to her about everything. She told me she was afraid to tell me because she was afraid my feelings would be hurt, and I quickly assured her that I couldn't be happier. But this morning. I feel so much joy that there is going to be this new little person in my life. SO much joy. but I am so afraid of the pain it's going to cause. I know that at some point I am going to look at my friend and be sad. I know that at some point, I am going to look at this baby and feel pain. I know that it's coming because that ache is always there inside me. That feeling of emptiness and like you aren't good enough. The feeling that if you could just do this one thing then God would give you a baby. I feel that pain there and I know that at some point I am going to feel that way about my friend. All I can focus on is how I am going to handle that feeling. I know that the only thing I can do, is pray. Pray for the comfort and companionship of my Heavenly Father to know that he understand me and my pain. To know that I only have to wait a little longer-- however long that may be. Honestly, I think I'd rather go bowling.