Who can't have children?
Some of us can honestly say that we were taken completely by surprise by how painful the struggle with infertility is. We were caught off guard by how debilitating the sadness can be. How a diagnosis of PCOS or a low sperm count can feel like a death sentence. How the tears come, and they come, and they come. When you think you've cried all the tears you could possibly cry, and yet there are more.
How things catch you off guard. Babies at church, babies at the store...
How left out you feel. When suddenly you're the only friend that doesn't have a baby. When you're friends are having their second or third babies.
When people complain about pregnancy:
Getting pregnant when they weren't expecting to
About gaining weight
Complaining that they haven't gotten pregnant after a few months
Morning sickness
Waking up multiple times at night
Realizing that you DO CARE about bearing your own children. It's not as easy as "just adopt."
The questions from well meaning friends. The comments from not-so-well meaning acquaintances.
Knowing that it does get better with time, but it never really goes away. That you will never really be OVER it.
Some of us here were guilty of saying and doing the wrong things to others who struggled with infertility before we were experiencing the struggle ourselves.
We'd ask when people were going to have a baby, over and over....
We'd silently judge people who didn't have children yet, deciding that they must be putting worldly things before God's calling to be parents.
We'd respond very casually to someone who told us about their infertility. We'd say, "why don't you just adopt?"
How we looked at people who kept "brooding" on their infertility as being ungrateful, bitter...
Now we know how hurtful those things can be. How the wrong words and actions can make people struggling with infertility feel even more broken and alone.
So what's a friend or family member to do? What's the right way to respond to your infertile friends?
What is the wrong way?
We've put together some suggestions.
Helpful:
- Remember that everyone is different. Some people will shout their infertility from the rooftops, some will keep it close to their hearts. Support that. There is no right or wrong way to cope with infertility
- Allow us to mourn. The loss of infertility has been compared to a death; a death that occurs monthly. Please don't expect us to be "over it" or get impatient with us when we are still mourning 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...10 years later. Even when we do adopt/foster/get pregnant the pain never fully goes away. Infertility will always be a part of us.
- Allow us some privacy. We will share details with you as we deem appropriate. Let us share the details with you when we're ready (or not at all).
- Include us. Everyone needs a friend. We need to do things to get our mind off our infertility. We need to live a little. Invite us to your girls' night or out to lunch.
- Don't be offended when we say no: we are so thrilled that you are having a baby, really we are. But, sitting through your baby shower would be torture for us.
- Let us know about your pregnancy privately: There's nothing like logging into facebook and seeing the umpteenth pregnancy announcement to send us over the edge. Please value our friendship by letting us know in a tactful way. I really appreciate the friend who called me and told me that she was pregnant and told me that she was sorry I wasn't. It made the facebook/public announcement that came later easier to handle gracefully.
- Family planning is a private decision between husbands, wives, and God. There are any number of reasons people do not have children and it is none of your business when they have children. Please don't bother people about when they're going to have children. Chances are they are struggling with infertility. However, even if they're not, it's really no one else's business.
- "Outing" us. It's our decision who we choose to share our infertility with. Please don't talk about it to others. Please don't announce it to our church/school/work/book/etc. group.
- Trying to make us feel better about being childless by pointing out the challenges of parenting. Pointing to your naughty children or handing us your screaming a baby and saying "are you sure your want children?" doesn't make us feel better. It only makes us feel like life is unfair because you were able to have children and you don't even appreciate them. (Disclaimer, we're sure we'll have plenty to complain about once we're parents.)
- Telling us how lucky we are that we don't have children. Some of us really try to look on the bright side and do things that we couldn't do if we had children. However, if we had the opportunity to trade all our worldly possessions and experiences for a baby, most of us would do it.
- Questioning our calling to be parents or if we "doing it right:" "Maybe you're not meant to be a mother," "maybe you're not righteous enough," "Go on a vacation, you'll get pregnant," "relax." Something about infertility makes you feel like less of a person as it is. These kind of comments only add fuel to the fire.
- Sharing stories of people who adopted and then became pregnant, or who were told they could never have children and then had 3 dozen children. We know you're trying to give us hope and be helpful, but, trust me, we HATE this. While that is wonderful for those people, it is not the norm and it doesn't help us feel better about our current situation. Most of us have to come to terms with our fertility or lack there of. Everyone's situation is different. Hearing of those miracles can often give us false hope and keep us from moving on and have closure. (Even though the doctor told us we have a significantly less than 1% chance of getting pregnant on our own, I still can't help but thinking I'm pregnant every month and I am devastated when my period comes.)
- Pushing adoption. Adoption is wonderful. Adoption is incredibly hard. It takes a big heart and a lot of faith to adopt. Some people aren't ready for it yet. Some people will never be ready. Don't say "If you adopt, you'll get pregnant" (This belittles adoption, sending the message that we would use adoption as a stepping stone to get what we really want.)
- Pushing foster care. There are some amazing people out there who are both grew up in foster care and who accept foster children. Foster care is NOT EASY. Children from foster care more often than not suffer from serious emotional/physical/mental trauma which can lead to serious behavior problems. Accepting foster children means accepting children into your heart without knowing if they can stay there. How many people are equipped to handle loving and caring for a child for months and years only to have it taken back to it's family or origin. Foster care can be very rewarding, but it's not something to be taken lightly. Someone can cause more harm than good by entering into foster care if they are unprepared.
National Infertility Foundation: the Hidden Emotions of Infertility
National Infertility Foundation: Infertility Etiquette
Studio 5: Infertility Sensitivity Training
Studio 5: Infertility-who do you tell?
I like Polaroids: Be Gentle
C. Jane Kendrick: Sufficient Grace
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