Speaking the common language

What never ceases to amaze me is how every woman who has experienced infertility, no matter what her story, seems to speak a common language.

Here is a post I came across on pinterest today:

From: Hello Bee

Dear Infertile Me,
I am writing to you from almost seven years after you started trying to get pregnant.  As you continue on your journey towards motherhood, I wanted to tell you a few things you will learn along the way.

To begin with, you are not infertile.  You are not barren.  Your eggs have not all dried up.  Let’s just call you momentarily reproductively challenged.  If you start letting words like infertile creep into your vocabulary, you will drive yourself mad.  Trust me on this one.

Trying to conceive and having difficulties SUCKS! No doubt about that. PCOS and a tipped uterus make things difficult, and there is nothing you can do about it.  Waiting for your period that inevitably will crush your spirit each time it arrives stinks!  Symptom spotting, which by the way is only PMS, is torture. Killing yourself with thoughts about how your body is not doing the one thing a woman’s body is supposed to do is ridiculous.  I wish I could make all of the months go away, but I can’t.  This is part of your journey and part of your story.
When people say things to you that make you go into a bout of depression like: “When are you going to start having babies?” or “You should start soon, you’re not getting any younger?” or “We tried this when we were trying… worked the first month.” Just remember they don’t know what they are saying.  People who have not been through it don’t understand.  They don’t mean to hurt your feelings and they don’t know how much their comments dig into the space in your heart that is waiting for a baby.  For the most part humans are curious creatures and want to know about your life.  Please be forgiving even though you wish so often you could punch someone for their insensitivity.

You are not crazy; every single woman you know is pregnant.  Every friend on Facebook is going to start posting pictures of sticks they have peed on with that magical second line or the glorious word pregnant across the screen.  A few months later all the ultrasound pictures will pop up followed by beautiful birth stories.  You will undoubtedly torture yourself over every announcement and every picture.  I wish I could tell you to stop but you won’t.  What I can tell you is how to handle it.  Let yourself mourn each time you read or hear the news of a new pregnancy.  One of them will be your sister, so get ready for that one.  Cry, scream, yell, whatever it takes, do it.  But then you have to move on.  You have to move on and be happy for the people around you.  They are experiencing a joyous occasion in their lives and it’s important not to shut your friends or family out.

You husband is a loving and supportive person but give him time to adjust.  You are not the woman he is used to being married to.  When you can go from a normal wife to a sobbing mess to a raving lunatic in the time span of one commercial break because you are hopped up on so many hormones, he does not know how to deal with it.  He will try his best but he will make mistakes.  You are on this journey together and you will both come out of it alive and well.  I promise.  Cut him some slack and don’t get too angry at him when he has to give you shots in your rump and doesn’t do it as good as a nurse.

Please find the humor in all of this and make some jokes.  Your sense of humor will get you through.  You husband will tease you about the doctor scheduling your intimacy.  Just go with it.  Later you will find the humor in the fact that they marked your calendar with little hearts.  Think of how many sticks you peed on in two years.  Seriously, the owner of EPT should give you some kickback.  It’s ridiculous.

Throughout this process the thing that will bug you the most is your belief in God.  Let me assure you, you are still a Christian woman.  You know it in your heart but there are huge doubts.  You are not losing your faith — you are just angry and that’s OK.  When you feel like talking to him again, just apologize for being so angry and move one.  God did not give you ovaries that work on their own time schedule, if at all.  God didn’t tip that uterus back in a weird shape.  That’s just biology.  What God did give you was the heart of a mother.  I know that it feels like a curse, to have the desire to be a mother so badly and a body that won’t cooperate, but this is the part of you that will lead you to your first child.  Follow your heart and your belief in God and you will be a mother.  Always remember it does not take a pregnancy to become a mother.

I know you are in the middle of one of the hardest times in your life.  If I told you that you will go on to be a mother of four beautiful children you would never believe me, but here it goes. You will choose adoption as your route to your first child because you will get tired of the TTC game and it will be the best decision of your life.  The day you hold your son and look into his eyes you will know that you are his mother.  Three biological children will follow and they will continue to fill your heart with joy.  So please while you struggle through the next few years, just remember that every tear you shed, every ache in your heart and every month you struggle through will be worth it.  You will be a mother and it will be everything you ever wanted.

 Reading this was like reading a letter I had written to myself (minus the part about having 4 children). It amazes me how we women share many of the same feelings even though we don't know each other at all.

The C family - Our story

For this blog, I will refer to myself as Mrs. C, my husband as Mr. C and our family as the C family.  I've been wanting to share my infertility story for awhile now and I'm overjoyed that I'm finally able to share my story to the world.

My story starts before I became Mrs. C or even before becoming Mrs. C was even possible in my head! Yes, I'm one of those crazy girls who had a crush on the same guy for 7 years waiting for Mr. C to make his move and ask me out.

I started my periods at age 11 and I remember the day I started my period because it was the most painful experience of my life! I knew periods would have cramps...but I never imagined having pains to the point of vomiting and leaving me practically bed ridden for the entire week of my period - which was always heavy and unpredictable. Whenever I asked my mom or the school nurse (whenever I couldn't take the pain at school), they would always tell me it was normal and I would eventually get used to the pain.

It wasn't until I was a freshman in high school at age 14 that I decided to see my primary doctor about my menstrual cramps and once again was frustrated and angry when she said that it was "normal". She put me on birth control to help regulate my periods and lessen my flow, then sent me on my way. The birth controls did help regulate my period but it didn't help with the flow and my menstrual cramps were still excruciating.

Once a senior in high school in 2005-2006, Mr. C and I started dating and it was the happiest time in my life! I was finally dating my 7 year crush, graduating from high school and preparing for the opportunities ahead of me. However, this also the year I noticed my periods were becoming more irregular, my hair was thinning on the top of my head, my skin was more oily, I was gaining weight without changing my diet and I was growing facial and body hair at a much faster rate. Overall, I just didn't feel good. I also started to develop horrible lower back pain and pelvic pain daily.

In January 2007, Mr. C left for his mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. During this time my period was long overdue by three months and I chalked it up to being stressed with Mr. C leaving on his mission and starting college. Soon, it became 9 months without a period and during this time I had gained 40lbs quickly. I finally convinced myself to see someone about this as I was concerned for my health. I saw a new primary doctor and she quickly realized that this wasn't "normal". I had a trans-vaginal and a pelvic ultrasound and several blood work done to see what was up with my body.

The results: I have been diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS for short. My blood work showed my body was insulin resistant and my testosterone levels were three times what they should have been. My ultrasound results show both my ovaries were literally COVERED in cysts - there was too many for the radiologist to count them all.

With a diagnosed, my doctor decided to put me on birth control pills (again) to try and even things out in my body. I agreed and stayed on birth control pills with little improvement. My periods were still irregular even on the pill and the pills made me an emotional monster. I just felt "off" being on them and eventually went of them after 10 months.

In 2009, Mr. C came home from his mission at the end of January, asked me to married him in February and    we married in June of that same year. We had many conversations about the future, including the oh so famous discussion of "how many kids do you want?". We both agreed we would love to have kids in the future and would start our adding to our family a year or two after our marriage.

 A few months after our wedding, I noticed my pelvic pain and back pain were worse, my periods were completely absent and my PCOS symptoms were growing worse every day. I went to my doctor again and she put me on Metformin 500mg (1 per day). She advise me of the side effects (stomach problems, diarrhea, vomiting, etc) but that it should pass once I've been on it for 45 days.

I hate Metformin. My body hates Metformin. I couldn't eat anything on Metformin without puking right after or having to run to the bathroom every 10 minutes (I'm not exaggerating in the slightest, I wish I was!). Mr. C and I couldn't go to the movies because I would constantly have to get up and use the bathroom and miss the entire movie. Eating out was out of the question because I couldn't eat without throwing up straight afterwards. It was awful! My doctor even put me on Metformin ER to see if it would lessen the side effects, but nothing changed. After 6 months of being on Metformin, I decided to give it up and have no desire to be back on Metformin even though several doctors have suggested the drug to me since then.

Also, in 2009, I was also dealing with horrible pelvic and back pain. I was finally referred by my primary doctor to see an OB/GYN and it was suggested by him to have a Laparoscopy procedure to look for Endometriosis, which was suspected in my case. I was scheduled for a Laparoscopy in January 2010. This was the scariest decision I've made thus far, but I'm glad I did it. My OB/GYN told me afterwards that my ovaries were not only covered in cysts, my ovaries were enlarged and also covered in Endometriosis. He also told me my hopes for children in the future would not happen and I would never had children naturally. When he told me that, it hit me hard. I had never heard of endometriosis before and the fact that this could take my dreams of being a mother away from me completely tore me up inside! I remember laying in the recovery room of the hospital crying because I was so scared and depressed of the news I've just received from the Doctor. Thankfully an angel in the form of a nurse walked into my room to check my vitals and noticed my tears. She also had Endometriosis and was able to tell me about it and provide me comfort that even though there is no cure, the symptoms could be managed and even though she had endometriosis, she was blessed with a baby girl. My hope for a family naturally was still brightly burning in front of me. I just had to remind myself that endometriosis wasn't the "end" to the dreams of having my own children.

A month after surgery, I was beginning to feel better. My pelvic pain had vanished and for the first time in a long time, I felt normal! Unfortunately, it was very short lived and one night in February, I woke up screaming and crying because something felt like it exploded in pelvis on my right side. I've never felt anything like that before in my life - it felt like hot fiery acid being poured in my pelvis while at the same time someone was taking a saw and cutting off my ovary. Mr. C rushed me to the ER and after 8hrs of being poked, prodded and evaluated, it was determined it was just my Endometriosis and that they couldn't do nothing for me but provided me pain pills.

I saw my OB/GYN and he quickly put me on Lupron Depot shots to get rid of my Endometriosis. The shots put your body into menopause and come with a wide vary of symptoms, some of which I'm still suffering from two years later. I was on the shots for six long months - I felt like a 24 year old trapped in a 72 year olds body. It was awful! Though my pelvic pain did cease while on the shots, but once off them, my pain quickly came back.

I continued to suffer in pain and saw my OB/GYN again, who said it was impossible for the Lupron shots not to work and that I'm making the pain up in my mind. After leaving his office crying, I decided to see a new OB/GYN, Dr. Ted. I'm so blessed to have found Dr. Ted! Right away, he offered me another Laparoscopy procedure to check my situation down there. In Septemeber 2011, I had my second Laparoscopy. Both Dr. Ted and I were surprised to find that my endometriosis had grown through out my pelvis, despite being on Lupron to lessen it. My ovaries were still covered in cysts and my appendix was dead, which they suspect is due to the endometriosis and several adhesions in my pelvis.

Since my last surgery, I continue to deal with the pain and anguish of PCOS and Endometriosis daily. For right now, due to emotional reasons, we've decided to stop "officially" trying to conceive. However, we aren't preventing it either. For right now, we are trying to focus on just the two of us until we decide to start "officially" trying again.

Cheryl & Ryan

Here's a story: Boy and girl meet at age 12 and 13. Boy and girl grow up together. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy and girl eventually get married at age 21 and 22. It's a beautiful wedding. It's a difficult but beautiful marriage (really what good marriage isn't?). Fast forward about 6 months later. It's Christmas and they are with all of their family (and trust me, it's not small) and she starts to feel a pull in her heart, an ache, and she knows that she wants something more. That's how we started. We wanted more. We found that we loved each other more than anything and we wanted to share that love with a little person that would have their Fathers' brains and their Mothers' taste. It didn't take long for us to figure out that things just... weren't working right. We knew to begin with that we would probably have at least a small struggle. My family has a history of fertility issues ranging from thyroid problems to endometriosis to PCOS-- which is what I have, (I'm sure we'll get into what all of those things ARE in a later blog post) but there was always that hope in the back of my mind that maybe MAYBE it would be different for me. MAYBE it wouldn't be difficult and I would get pregnant right off. Unfortunately, that's not the way that it happened. So it's been almost 4 years. 4 years full of heartache and pain. 4 years full of herbal treatments, birth control, prescription drugs, at least 1200 Ovulation tests, Negative Pregnancy tests, Fertility books, advice (usually unsolicited and insensitive-- although very well intentioned)and tears. It's also been full of love and an opportunity to come closer to my husband and to my Father in Heaven. This struggle has taught me how to be patient and that I can't control everything, no matter how much I'd like to. So we keep trying, and someday, someday we will have our children gathered around us, and we will teach them the things that we are learning now. :)