Speaking the common language

What never ceases to amaze me is how every woman who has experienced infertility, no matter what her story, seems to speak a common language.

Here is a post I came across on pinterest today:

From: Hello Bee

Dear Infertile Me,
I am writing to you from almost seven years after you started trying to get pregnant.  As you continue on your journey towards motherhood, I wanted to tell you a few things you will learn along the way.

To begin with, you are not infertile.  You are not barren.  Your eggs have not all dried up.  Let’s just call you momentarily reproductively challenged.  If you start letting words like infertile creep into your vocabulary, you will drive yourself mad.  Trust me on this one.

Trying to conceive and having difficulties SUCKS! No doubt about that. PCOS and a tipped uterus make things difficult, and there is nothing you can do about it.  Waiting for your period that inevitably will crush your spirit each time it arrives stinks!  Symptom spotting, which by the way is only PMS, is torture. Killing yourself with thoughts about how your body is not doing the one thing a woman’s body is supposed to do is ridiculous.  I wish I could make all of the months go away, but I can’t.  This is part of your journey and part of your story.
When people say things to you that make you go into a bout of depression like: “When are you going to start having babies?” or “You should start soon, you’re not getting any younger?” or “We tried this when we were trying… worked the first month.” Just remember they don’t know what they are saying.  People who have not been through it don’t understand.  They don’t mean to hurt your feelings and they don’t know how much their comments dig into the space in your heart that is waiting for a baby.  For the most part humans are curious creatures and want to know about your life.  Please be forgiving even though you wish so often you could punch someone for their insensitivity.

You are not crazy; every single woman you know is pregnant.  Every friend on Facebook is going to start posting pictures of sticks they have peed on with that magical second line or the glorious word pregnant across the screen.  A few months later all the ultrasound pictures will pop up followed by beautiful birth stories.  You will undoubtedly torture yourself over every announcement and every picture.  I wish I could tell you to stop but you won’t.  What I can tell you is how to handle it.  Let yourself mourn each time you read or hear the news of a new pregnancy.  One of them will be your sister, so get ready for that one.  Cry, scream, yell, whatever it takes, do it.  But then you have to move on.  You have to move on and be happy for the people around you.  They are experiencing a joyous occasion in their lives and it’s important not to shut your friends or family out.

You husband is a loving and supportive person but give him time to adjust.  You are not the woman he is used to being married to.  When you can go from a normal wife to a sobbing mess to a raving lunatic in the time span of one commercial break because you are hopped up on so many hormones, he does not know how to deal with it.  He will try his best but he will make mistakes.  You are on this journey together and you will both come out of it alive and well.  I promise.  Cut him some slack and don’t get too angry at him when he has to give you shots in your rump and doesn’t do it as good as a nurse.

Please find the humor in all of this and make some jokes.  Your sense of humor will get you through.  You husband will tease you about the doctor scheduling your intimacy.  Just go with it.  Later you will find the humor in the fact that they marked your calendar with little hearts.  Think of how many sticks you peed on in two years.  Seriously, the owner of EPT should give you some kickback.  It’s ridiculous.

Throughout this process the thing that will bug you the most is your belief in God.  Let me assure you, you are still a Christian woman.  You know it in your heart but there are huge doubts.  You are not losing your faith — you are just angry and that’s OK.  When you feel like talking to him again, just apologize for being so angry and move one.  God did not give you ovaries that work on their own time schedule, if at all.  God didn’t tip that uterus back in a weird shape.  That’s just biology.  What God did give you was the heart of a mother.  I know that it feels like a curse, to have the desire to be a mother so badly and a body that won’t cooperate, but this is the part of you that will lead you to your first child.  Follow your heart and your belief in God and you will be a mother.  Always remember it does not take a pregnancy to become a mother.

I know you are in the middle of one of the hardest times in your life.  If I told you that you will go on to be a mother of four beautiful children you would never believe me, but here it goes. You will choose adoption as your route to your first child because you will get tired of the TTC game and it will be the best decision of your life.  The day you hold your son and look into his eyes you will know that you are his mother.  Three biological children will follow and they will continue to fill your heart with joy.  So please while you struggle through the next few years, just remember that every tear you shed, every ache in your heart and every month you struggle through will be worth it.  You will be a mother and it will be everything you ever wanted.

 Reading this was like reading a letter I had written to myself (minus the part about having 4 children). It amazes me how we women share many of the same feelings even though we don't know each other at all.