Because of these things

I wanted to share this post with everyone. I did not write this post, but with her permission, I'm going to share it here.

I have wanted to post on this blog several times, but I haven't. I didn't want to turn this blog into a whine fest; I wanted to talk about something positive once in awhile, but I didn't know how.

This wonderful woman took the words out of my mouth.

Here's what she has to say:

Because of these things...

Oh hi again. It's me writing yet another blog post about religion. I would apologize (nobody likes constant sappy in your face church posts), but I can't. I feel so strongly that I need to make my feelings public. (Ha. What a funny world we live in.) These thoughts have been on my mind for some time, but General Conference was the cherry on top and pushed me over the edge. 

Conference helped me realize some things in myself. Things that I already kinda knew, but didn't realize until I was pondering on all the messages shared. This post might be a jumble or a "glass case of emotion." I'm not sure what to expect so here goes. 

I gave the title "because of these things" for a reason. I've tried to be somewhat open and not ashamed of our struggles to turn our family of two into a family of three. This has been scary and therapeutic all at once. Nobody enjoys being vulnerable about their most tender trials. I've been fortunate to come across some kind, wonderful, and supportive women as a result of being more open. 

It has been over a year since I was officially diagnosed with PCOS. I've come to realize that women get pregnant all the live long day with this diagnosis. It is not the end all for fertility by any means. I've learned that there are different levels of PCOS and mine is on the more severe side. There are medicines such as Clomid and Metformin that I could go on to increase fertility. For whatever reason, I strongly feel that these are not the routes for me. I've searched for alternative medicines and found an amazing naturopathic doctor. I've seen small improvements for my PCOS and I remain hopeful that we will be able to have a child without other alternatives. 

Because I know women with PCOS who have gotten pregnant with zero to little problems, I feel like a fraud talking about infertility. I feel like my case is less severe. I feel like there are women who have it much harder than me. I acknowledge this and try to remember this when I'm having a pity party. I am grateful our scenario isn't worse. 

Getting back to religion, I had a massive breakdown last week. You know the one, the uncontrollable sobs, the shoulders shaking, you look like a blotchy red mess? It's super attractive. Sometimes I feel like it's a good thing every once in awhile. I'm a pent up emotions type of personality. Shake me like a pop bottle until one day, all the tears come out. Ryan held me as I cried and shared what I was feeling. Afterwards, I listened to Elder Wirthlin's last talk, "Come What May and Love it." It is one of my all time favorites. It is so good. 

I had a lot of "ah-ha" moments while listening and wanted to share the lessons I've learned over the past year since dealing with all this stuff. 

 

-Because of these things I've learned what kind of heart [my husband] truly has.

My husband is quiet, reserved, and more on the shy side until he is comfortable. He will do anything for anyone and wants everyone to be happy. He is genuine, sincere, and honest. (Almost a little too honest. Haha kidding.) He is tender hearted, caring, and loves with a depth that few know and understand. I've watched his heart break when we talk about children. I've watched those beautiful brown eyes fill with tears over hurt feelings. I've seen him wipe away others tears. He is a loving, kind person. Many couples say struggling to conceive tears couples apart. For me, it has helped me love [my husband] on a whole new level and appreciate the person that he is. He has wrapped his arms around me and held me while I've cried. He's tried doing silly things just to get me to laugh. He is a good person and I'm grateful he is mine.

 

-Because of these things I've discovered that every single person has a "thing." 

Not one person is exempt from trials. As I've opened up and talked with more people, I've realized that everyone has something that makes them hurt or feel broken. Everyone. We all have burdens weighing us down. I used to think everyone had perfect lives but me. People have great lives, but they cannot escape having a "thing." Whether it be addictions in all their forms, hurt feelings, low self esteem, wayward family members, loss of a loved one, struggling over big decisions, etc. We all have something. We're all on equal playing ground. 

 

-Because of these things my hard heart has softened. 

I used to be proud of my sassy, independent, women can rule the world attitude. I was very much about the girl power, and I still am to a degree. However, without even realizing it, I had let the world make my heart hard. I lost that compassion and saw softness as a weakness. How naive I was. I realize what a strength it is to be meek, humble, and submissive to the Spirit. I'm not great at those things, but I'm learning. Being a Mother was never really on the top of my list. I never wanted to play with dolls much as a child. I was all about Barbies and sports. Within the past 3 years, something changed in my heart. That mothering desire I didn't even know I had was shining through. Now, I can't imagine not ever getting a chance to be a Mom. This trial has taught me it's okay to be soft. In fact, the world needs more soft women. There are far too many with hearts of stone. 

 

-Because of these things I've learned that there are good people that care. 

I often felt alone at first. I struggled a lot. Slowly, but surely, people have surprised me with their kindness and empathy. I have been blessed. Sometimes you just need a hug and people to cry with you, I feel like I have a few friends that would drop everything and be there if I asked. It has made a difference for me. 

 

-Because of these things I've realized how to have compassion for others.

I'm not perfect at this. I'm still learning, but going through my own trials has made me more aware of others. I'm learning how to read body language more efficiently. Sometimes you can see the hurt of burdens in people's eyes. People try and be strong, but you need to always be willing to help them whether they ask or not. Again, not perfect at this one, but I'm learning.

 

-Because of these things I've realized that faith is a gift.

We all have gifts and talents. I've learned that one of mine is faith. I have complete faith, not a perfect faith, but a firm faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. It is hard trusting at times, but I hold on to that faith and hope that days will get better. I have faith that the Savior can heal my heart and knows my sorrows. I am grateful for my faith. I can't imagine going through trials without faith in God. 

 

-Because of these things I've realized that the Savior loves me.

This has been a difficult lesson to learn. Why would He love a chubby, broken, sinner like myself? I don't have a Masters. I don't have children. I am too sassy for my own good. I'm not successful with life. Why? Why would He waste His time on me? I'm not perfect. My body isn't perfect. My life isn't perfect. However, I am trying. I am trying to be better and to be a good person. I know that He knows that. He loves me, babyless and all. He is my Savior, my Friend, my Shepherd, and my Redeemer. He died for me. He suffered my pains and knows better than anyone how to heal me. I must be an okay person if the Savior thinks I'm worth it. 

-Because of these things I've learned that life doesn't go according to plan. 

My plan was to marry Ryan, have 2 fabulous years playing, and then get pregnant right away. That was the dream. But just like Rapunzel, I had to find a new dream. Life hasn't gone according to our brilliant plan. It has been a tough pill to swallow. For me, the girl with the plan, to not have a plan has been difficult. I've had to put a lot of trust in The Lord and in His timing. It's easier said then done sometimes. 

 

-Because of these things I've learned that people don't mean to be offensive.

People say super cool things to me about infertility. It used to make my blood boil and I'd whip out my sassy pants faster than a lion chasing a warthog. (Sorry Pumba.) I got a little too sassy at a relief society activity one time.... I've come to learn that people are just not aware of how hurtful their comments are. Now I can smile, take it with a grain of salt, and politely correct them when it's needed. People are generally good and have good intentions, they don't mean to hurt my feelings. 

 

-Because of these things I've re-realized the goodness of the Savior. 

God is so good. Jesus Christ is so good. They are both incredibly loving and merciful. When struggling with depression, I discovered what the Atonement meant to me. Now, struggling with this, I've learned what the Atonement means to me on a whole new level. I am so grateful that the Savior knows how to heal my broken heart. He alone can heal me like no other source can. He suffered my trials, my heartaches, and knows with exactness how I'm feeling. What a huge blessing. 

-Because of these things I've discovered who my real friends are. 

I won't go into details. It is pretty self explanatory.

 

-Because of these things I've learned to appreciate families and the Plan of Salvation. 

I'm so grateful for our families. We feel their love and support often. They are a blessing. I've realized that God didn't ever want us to be alone. Families are a treasure here on Earth. :)

 

-Because of these things I've learned what I can and can't handle. 

There's a saying something like "you don't know how strong you are until it's the only option you have." Uhhh that saying is stupid. When faced with a trial, you have several options!!! You always, always have choices. You can give up, go forward, complain, gain strength, etc. I may not know all my limits because I'm sure I have harder things in life to face than this, but if I know what I can and can't handle I'll be ok. I couldn't handle being the primary pianist. I had to "quit" for my own well being. I can work with the children at my job. I can't handle seeing billions of people's pregnancy announcements wondering if I'll ever get a turn. I can handle my friends bringing beautiful children into the world. I have an idea about what my limits are to an extent. 

 

-Because of these things I am blessed. 

It sounds silly and cliche, but without these struggles we've been facing, I might not have learned some valuable lessons, I still have many lessons to learn and I'm still trying to improve, but I'm realizing that perhaps this was the best way for me to gain this knowledge. Just like the Provo Tabernacle, Heavenly Father needs me to be burned down in order to prepare for something better. I'm not grateful everyday for this trial, but I'm learning to appreciate the good that it has taught me. 

I'm trying to find joy in the journey. There really is beauty in all things, we just have to search for it sometimes. My life isn't going according to plan, but I'm realizing more and more that I am blessed and I have much to be thankful for.

I hope everyone else was as touched by her words as I was. It takes a LOT of courage to share this kind of intimate stuff with people and I really respect her for it. She is really one of those glass-half-full-silver-lining people. In my own journey of infertility, I've learned how much optimism is a choice.  I'm sure this individual struggles and has hard days and her heartache is still significant, but she is also able to see the opportunity for growth in her struggle and I feel that is the key to "making it" though the trial and keeping your head up.