Conflicted

So.... My best friend is pregnant. And I feel-- conflicted. One side: I am SO excited for her. I can't even express how much joy I felt when I got that text message with the pregnancy test in the picture. I hurried out and I went and built her a morning sickness care package with Preggie Pops (special hard candy's for morning sickness) Sea Bands, this really amazing roll-on perfume that smells exactly like ginger, and a copy of "What to expect when you're expecting" because I knew she didn't have a copy. I even found this really great card that when you opened it it said "In my experience, there's no such thing as luck". I thought it was hilarious given my situation so I got that as well. I pictured myself giving it to her and how happy we were going to be talking about her upcoming baby and all the things she's excited about. I could give her some of the information that I had been researching about different birthing methods, etc. I gave her that gift last night and it was exactly like I pictured. It was so much fun talking to her about everything. She told me she was afraid to tell me because she was afraid my feelings would be hurt, and I quickly assured her that I couldn't be happier. But this morning. I feel so much joy that there is going to be this new little person in my life. SO much joy. but I am so afraid of the pain it's going to cause. I know that at some point I am going to look at my friend and be sad. I know that at some point, I am going to look at this baby and feel pain. I know that it's coming because that ache is always there inside me. That feeling of emptiness and like you aren't good enough. The feeling that if you could just do this one thing then God would give you a baby. I feel that pain there and I know that at some point I am going to feel that way about my friend. All I can focus on is how I am going to handle that feeling. I know that the only thing I can do, is pray. Pray for the comfort and companionship of my Heavenly Father to know that he understand me and my pain. To know that I only have to wait a little longer-- however long that may be. Honestly, I think I'd rather go bowling.

To Mourn an Absence

“But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words “to mourn an absence”. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I am sorry for your loss”. But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”




- Laura Bush

Letting go of the "Baby" room

I've debated about writing this experience, as it seems very insignificant and probably something "silly" to even discuss....but who knows. Maybe its not as silly as I think and my experience can hit home to another woman out in the big wide world and make her feel not so silly like I do right now.

Mr. C and I recently moved to a bigger place  6 months ago after our old apartment flooded. We were blessed in finding a 3 bedroom, 2 bath home - one room extra than our old place. It truly feels like a family home and we couldn't be happier! Mr. C and I are in love with our new place and loving the extra room even more.

When we first moved in to our new place, we had an unspoken agreement that the extra room next to our bedroom would be the future baby room. We haven't put any of furniture in the room or stored anything in the closets, except for a few baby items I have acquired throughout our marriage.

Every morning, I would see that empty room. A silent reminder of our "empty" nest. I would often fantasize where I would put the baby crib. What color scheme I would use to match the carpet. Where I would place all the cute baby decor on the walls. If the rocking chair would work better near corner by the window or on the other side of the crib. Thinking of the future nursery I hoped to one day have would bring me happiness, but only for a short time. Slowly, the happiness turned negative as reality set in regarding my infertility and I could only focus on the emptiness and the lifelessness of the room.

I never could have imagined a room being such a negative and painful reminder of my infertility. I started closing the door and avoiding the room completely - just so I wouldn't have those negative, depressive feelings.

Then, a blessing in disguised came in the form of free furniture.  A co-worker was cleaning out her house and had offered to give me a bedroom set and a dining room table - completely free! I couldn't pass it up, especially since our old dining room table was warped due to the flood in our old apartment and I always wanted to have a guest bedroom.

Once Mr. C and I brought the furniture home, we quickly realized that the bedroom set was slightly bigger than the room we had planned to make the guest bedroom, especially with our office/craft furniture also in the room. The only room it would available for the furniture to fit in was the 3rd bedroom - my hopeful future nursery room.

Even though I had been avoiding that room like the plague, I wasn't ready to give up our nursery. I didn't want to let go of the possibility that the extra room could be turned into a nursery. I wasn't ready for that room to be used for anything else but  a nursery.

I felt sick to my stomach as we slowly moved the furniture to the "nursery". The queen size bed frame was placed where I would have put the crib. The dresser was placed on the wall where I would have liked to put pictures of our baby in cute colorful frames. One of the nightstands were exactly in the place I decided the rocking chair would go. It was painful to slowly replace my visions of a nursery with non-baby furniture. After we were done, I had an emotional meltdown and cried.

I know it seems silly to feel so sick over a spare room and replacing it with furniture. It even seems silly to me now as I look back on that day. Thankfully, I laugh about it now. But at that moment, I felt the spare room now becoming the guest bedroom was replacing my dreams of our nursery. I wasn't ready to give up "one more thing" to infertility.

Now - I absolutely love our guestroom! I love looking into this room filled with furniture and thinking about the friends and family we can now have stay in our home. I now fantasize about all the different color schemes I could use and frequently cruise pinterest for creative DIY projects to make the room even more fitting for a guest bedroom.

This silly little experience did let me see how this once empty room related to my own life. I see how I have let my sorrows and frustrations due to my infertility give me an excuses to stay empty. I would ignore baby showers, avoid looking through the cute baby clothes on sale at the store and completely avoid meetings at church because I know they would talk about motherhood - all painful reminders of infertility, just like the empty room. Who knows? I could have had a blast at the baby shower with all my friends. I could have enjoyed a wonderful lesson at Church. I could have found a cute baby outfit on sale for a friend's upcoming shower.  I have been leaving my life empty to experiences because of my infertility.

The lesson I gained from this silly experience? I have power. I can choose the experience I want. I can decide if the experiences thrown at me stays empty or if I decide to make the experience fulfilling. Its very powerful to think about, especially when I feel most days I have no control over my circumstances.

Yes, I can never fill the emptiness infertility can bring - its can be a very emotional roller coaster to ride and I know I will have days were I break down and cry. Nothing can ever replace the sting and emptiness infertility can bring. Just like my guest bedroom will never replace my dreams for a nursery. I'm not suggestion I'm completely accepting of my infertility either. (far from in fact, but a long work in process!), I just know I want to be happy and its OKAY to be happy. Its okay to temporarily replace the emptiness with experiences that can make me happy. There is nothing wrong with being happy and I feel more willing to search out more fulfilling experiences in my life. 

Like everything, its going to be a process. It may take a lifetime to finally feel like I've completely grasp this concept. Its going to take a lot of practice and a lot of learning. But I can accept and seek out experiences instead of settling with the emptiness infertility can bring. Its okay to feel empty some days, but I don't have to let the emptiness rule me.

But most of all....Its okay to be happy.

Speaking the common language

What never ceases to amaze me is how every woman who has experienced infertility, no matter what her story, seems to speak a common language.

Here is a post I came across on pinterest today:

From: Hello Bee

Dear Infertile Me,
I am writing to you from almost seven years after you started trying to get pregnant.  As you continue on your journey towards motherhood, I wanted to tell you a few things you will learn along the way.

To begin with, you are not infertile.  You are not barren.  Your eggs have not all dried up.  Let’s just call you momentarily reproductively challenged.  If you start letting words like infertile creep into your vocabulary, you will drive yourself mad.  Trust me on this one.

Trying to conceive and having difficulties SUCKS! No doubt about that. PCOS and a tipped uterus make things difficult, and there is nothing you can do about it.  Waiting for your period that inevitably will crush your spirit each time it arrives stinks!  Symptom spotting, which by the way is only PMS, is torture. Killing yourself with thoughts about how your body is not doing the one thing a woman’s body is supposed to do is ridiculous.  I wish I could make all of the months go away, but I can’t.  This is part of your journey and part of your story.
When people say things to you that make you go into a bout of depression like: “When are you going to start having babies?” or “You should start soon, you’re not getting any younger?” or “We tried this when we were trying… worked the first month.” Just remember they don’t know what they are saying.  People who have not been through it don’t understand.  They don’t mean to hurt your feelings and they don’t know how much their comments dig into the space in your heart that is waiting for a baby.  For the most part humans are curious creatures and want to know about your life.  Please be forgiving even though you wish so often you could punch someone for their insensitivity.

You are not crazy; every single woman you know is pregnant.  Every friend on Facebook is going to start posting pictures of sticks they have peed on with that magical second line or the glorious word pregnant across the screen.  A few months later all the ultrasound pictures will pop up followed by beautiful birth stories.  You will undoubtedly torture yourself over every announcement and every picture.  I wish I could tell you to stop but you won’t.  What I can tell you is how to handle it.  Let yourself mourn each time you read or hear the news of a new pregnancy.  One of them will be your sister, so get ready for that one.  Cry, scream, yell, whatever it takes, do it.  But then you have to move on.  You have to move on and be happy for the people around you.  They are experiencing a joyous occasion in their lives and it’s important not to shut your friends or family out.

You husband is a loving and supportive person but give him time to adjust.  You are not the woman he is used to being married to.  When you can go from a normal wife to a sobbing mess to a raving lunatic in the time span of one commercial break because you are hopped up on so many hormones, he does not know how to deal with it.  He will try his best but he will make mistakes.  You are on this journey together and you will both come out of it alive and well.  I promise.  Cut him some slack and don’t get too angry at him when he has to give you shots in your rump and doesn’t do it as good as a nurse.

Please find the humor in all of this and make some jokes.  Your sense of humor will get you through.  You husband will tease you about the doctor scheduling your intimacy.  Just go with it.  Later you will find the humor in the fact that they marked your calendar with little hearts.  Think of how many sticks you peed on in two years.  Seriously, the owner of EPT should give you some kickback.  It’s ridiculous.

Throughout this process the thing that will bug you the most is your belief in God.  Let me assure you, you are still a Christian woman.  You know it in your heart but there are huge doubts.  You are not losing your faith — you are just angry and that’s OK.  When you feel like talking to him again, just apologize for being so angry and move one.  God did not give you ovaries that work on their own time schedule, if at all.  God didn’t tip that uterus back in a weird shape.  That’s just biology.  What God did give you was the heart of a mother.  I know that it feels like a curse, to have the desire to be a mother so badly and a body that won’t cooperate, but this is the part of you that will lead you to your first child.  Follow your heart and your belief in God and you will be a mother.  Always remember it does not take a pregnancy to become a mother.

I know you are in the middle of one of the hardest times in your life.  If I told you that you will go on to be a mother of four beautiful children you would never believe me, but here it goes. You will choose adoption as your route to your first child because you will get tired of the TTC game and it will be the best decision of your life.  The day you hold your son and look into his eyes you will know that you are his mother.  Three biological children will follow and they will continue to fill your heart with joy.  So please while you struggle through the next few years, just remember that every tear you shed, every ache in your heart and every month you struggle through will be worth it.  You will be a mother and it will be everything you ever wanted.

 Reading this was like reading a letter I had written to myself (minus the part about having 4 children). It amazes me how we women share many of the same feelings even though we don't know each other at all.

The C family - Our story

For this blog, I will refer to myself as Mrs. C, my husband as Mr. C and our family as the C family.  I've been wanting to share my infertility story for awhile now and I'm overjoyed that I'm finally able to share my story to the world.

My story starts before I became Mrs. C or even before becoming Mrs. C was even possible in my head! Yes, I'm one of those crazy girls who had a crush on the same guy for 7 years waiting for Mr. C to make his move and ask me out.

I started my periods at age 11 and I remember the day I started my period because it was the most painful experience of my life! I knew periods would have cramps...but I never imagined having pains to the point of vomiting and leaving me practically bed ridden for the entire week of my period - which was always heavy and unpredictable. Whenever I asked my mom or the school nurse (whenever I couldn't take the pain at school), they would always tell me it was normal and I would eventually get used to the pain.

It wasn't until I was a freshman in high school at age 14 that I decided to see my primary doctor about my menstrual cramps and once again was frustrated and angry when she said that it was "normal". She put me on birth control to help regulate my periods and lessen my flow, then sent me on my way. The birth controls did help regulate my period but it didn't help with the flow and my menstrual cramps were still excruciating.

Once a senior in high school in 2005-2006, Mr. C and I started dating and it was the happiest time in my life! I was finally dating my 7 year crush, graduating from high school and preparing for the opportunities ahead of me. However, this also the year I noticed my periods were becoming more irregular, my hair was thinning on the top of my head, my skin was more oily, I was gaining weight without changing my diet and I was growing facial and body hair at a much faster rate. Overall, I just didn't feel good. I also started to develop horrible lower back pain and pelvic pain daily.

In January 2007, Mr. C left for his mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. During this time my period was long overdue by three months and I chalked it up to being stressed with Mr. C leaving on his mission and starting college. Soon, it became 9 months without a period and during this time I had gained 40lbs quickly. I finally convinced myself to see someone about this as I was concerned for my health. I saw a new primary doctor and she quickly realized that this wasn't "normal". I had a trans-vaginal and a pelvic ultrasound and several blood work done to see what was up with my body.

The results: I have been diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS for short. My blood work showed my body was insulin resistant and my testosterone levels were three times what they should have been. My ultrasound results show both my ovaries were literally COVERED in cysts - there was too many for the radiologist to count them all.

With a diagnosed, my doctor decided to put me on birth control pills (again) to try and even things out in my body. I agreed and stayed on birth control pills with little improvement. My periods were still irregular even on the pill and the pills made me an emotional monster. I just felt "off" being on them and eventually went of them after 10 months.

In 2009, Mr. C came home from his mission at the end of January, asked me to married him in February and    we married in June of that same year. We had many conversations about the future, including the oh so famous discussion of "how many kids do you want?". We both agreed we would love to have kids in the future and would start our adding to our family a year or two after our marriage.

 A few months after our wedding, I noticed my pelvic pain and back pain were worse, my periods were completely absent and my PCOS symptoms were growing worse every day. I went to my doctor again and she put me on Metformin 500mg (1 per day). She advise me of the side effects (stomach problems, diarrhea, vomiting, etc) but that it should pass once I've been on it for 45 days.

I hate Metformin. My body hates Metformin. I couldn't eat anything on Metformin without puking right after or having to run to the bathroom every 10 minutes (I'm not exaggerating in the slightest, I wish I was!). Mr. C and I couldn't go to the movies because I would constantly have to get up and use the bathroom and miss the entire movie. Eating out was out of the question because I couldn't eat without throwing up straight afterwards. It was awful! My doctor even put me on Metformin ER to see if it would lessen the side effects, but nothing changed. After 6 months of being on Metformin, I decided to give it up and have no desire to be back on Metformin even though several doctors have suggested the drug to me since then.

Also, in 2009, I was also dealing with horrible pelvic and back pain. I was finally referred by my primary doctor to see an OB/GYN and it was suggested by him to have a Laparoscopy procedure to look for Endometriosis, which was suspected in my case. I was scheduled for a Laparoscopy in January 2010. This was the scariest decision I've made thus far, but I'm glad I did it. My OB/GYN told me afterwards that my ovaries were not only covered in cysts, my ovaries were enlarged and also covered in Endometriosis. He also told me my hopes for children in the future would not happen and I would never had children naturally. When he told me that, it hit me hard. I had never heard of endometriosis before and the fact that this could take my dreams of being a mother away from me completely tore me up inside! I remember laying in the recovery room of the hospital crying because I was so scared and depressed of the news I've just received from the Doctor. Thankfully an angel in the form of a nurse walked into my room to check my vitals and noticed my tears. She also had Endometriosis and was able to tell me about it and provide me comfort that even though there is no cure, the symptoms could be managed and even though she had endometriosis, she was blessed with a baby girl. My hope for a family naturally was still brightly burning in front of me. I just had to remind myself that endometriosis wasn't the "end" to the dreams of having my own children.

A month after surgery, I was beginning to feel better. My pelvic pain had vanished and for the first time in a long time, I felt normal! Unfortunately, it was very short lived and one night in February, I woke up screaming and crying because something felt like it exploded in pelvis on my right side. I've never felt anything like that before in my life - it felt like hot fiery acid being poured in my pelvis while at the same time someone was taking a saw and cutting off my ovary. Mr. C rushed me to the ER and after 8hrs of being poked, prodded and evaluated, it was determined it was just my Endometriosis and that they couldn't do nothing for me but provided me pain pills.

I saw my OB/GYN and he quickly put me on Lupron Depot shots to get rid of my Endometriosis. The shots put your body into menopause and come with a wide vary of symptoms, some of which I'm still suffering from two years later. I was on the shots for six long months - I felt like a 24 year old trapped in a 72 year olds body. It was awful! Though my pelvic pain did cease while on the shots, but once off them, my pain quickly came back.

I continued to suffer in pain and saw my OB/GYN again, who said it was impossible for the Lupron shots not to work and that I'm making the pain up in my mind. After leaving his office crying, I decided to see a new OB/GYN, Dr. Ted. I'm so blessed to have found Dr. Ted! Right away, he offered me another Laparoscopy procedure to check my situation down there. In Septemeber 2011, I had my second Laparoscopy. Both Dr. Ted and I were surprised to find that my endometriosis had grown through out my pelvis, despite being on Lupron to lessen it. My ovaries were still covered in cysts and my appendix was dead, which they suspect is due to the endometriosis and several adhesions in my pelvis.

Since my last surgery, I continue to deal with the pain and anguish of PCOS and Endometriosis daily. For right now, due to emotional reasons, we've decided to stop "officially" trying to conceive. However, we aren't preventing it either. For right now, we are trying to focus on just the two of us until we decide to start "officially" trying again.

Cheryl & Ryan

Here's a story: Boy and girl meet at age 12 and 13. Boy and girl grow up together. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy and girl eventually get married at age 21 and 22. It's a beautiful wedding. It's a difficult but beautiful marriage (really what good marriage isn't?). Fast forward about 6 months later. It's Christmas and they are with all of their family (and trust me, it's not small) and she starts to feel a pull in her heart, an ache, and she knows that she wants something more. That's how we started. We wanted more. We found that we loved each other more than anything and we wanted to share that love with a little person that would have their Fathers' brains and their Mothers' taste. It didn't take long for us to figure out that things just... weren't working right. We knew to begin with that we would probably have at least a small struggle. My family has a history of fertility issues ranging from thyroid problems to endometriosis to PCOS-- which is what I have, (I'm sure we'll get into what all of those things ARE in a later blog post) but there was always that hope in the back of my mind that maybe MAYBE it would be different for me. MAYBE it wouldn't be difficult and I would get pregnant right off. Unfortunately, that's not the way that it happened. So it's been almost 4 years. 4 years full of heartache and pain. 4 years full of herbal treatments, birth control, prescription drugs, at least 1200 Ovulation tests, Negative Pregnancy tests, Fertility books, advice (usually unsolicited and insensitive-- although very well intentioned)and tears. It's also been full of love and an opportunity to come closer to my husband and to my Father in Heaven. This struggle has taught me how to be patient and that I can't control everything, no matter how much I'd like to. So we keep trying, and someday, someday we will have our children gathered around us, and we will teach them the things that we are learning now. :)

Our Story

Since our story is unique, our friends and family will recognize us by the details. However, to protect our privacy as much as possible. I am going to refer to ourselves as "he/him/his"  and "I/me/my/mine."

We are LDS and live in Utah. We have been married for almost 4 years. We have dogs and a house.

He and I  started dating when I was about 17 and he was about 18. We dated until he left on his mission in January of 2007. I wrote him throughout his mission. In early December of 2008, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He was sent home from his mission about 2 months early. It was all very sudden. He went to the doctor on Monday, learned he had cancer on Tuesday, flew home on Wednesday and had the tumor, and therefore his testicle, removed on Thursday.

After several tests, the doctors determined that they could not see any more cancer, but that there was a 20% chance that there was more cancer that wasn't visible. He was given the following options:

• Monitor for 5 years and watch for more cancer: not recommended because most people don't follow through and the cancer ends up coming back unnoticed.
• Have surgery to remove the surrounding lymph nodes: This was proposed to have a 1 in 3 chance the cancer would return if it was even there and a 10% of causing infertility.
• Chemotherapy: this was proposed as having a small chance of the cancer returning (if it was even there) and a small chance of infertility (I don't remember the exact numbers)

We picked chemo. We were warned that that was a (very small) chance that chemo may leave him with a low sperm count. He store and froze sperm at a storage clinic-just in case.  He had 2 rounds of chemotherapy in January and February of 2009. He lost his hair. His mom and I cried because we were afraid he would be bald in the wedding photos. It was all very dramatic. We got married in May 2009. His hair had grown back enough for respectable wedding photos-Phew!

We did what most engaged couples do. I went to see the female doctor about 4 months before the wedding. The female doctor gave me a prescription for "the pill." I took the pill. My hormones were out of control and everything made me cry. Once I cried for 7 hours straight because I thought my car was broken. The pill made me feel a little nauseous at bed time. I dealt with it, it wasn't that bad.

However, soon after we got married, I stared mysteriously getting sick about once a month. It was around the same time that swine flu was a big risk. I went to the doctor and they tested for swine flu, pregnancy, and about anything else you could think of. Negative, negative, negative. After about 3 months of getting sick every month for 1 week, I figured it out. The "pill" was making me sick, or to be more specific: not taking the "pill" was making me sick. The week I took the placebos and was off the hormones I was fatigued, nauseous, dizzy, and tired. As soon as I started taking the hormones again, I was fine.

We went to 3 medical professionals before we could finally get someone to listen to me. The doctors told me it couldn't be my birth control. One finally told me it could. We tried another kind. That one made me sick every day. We tried a third kind. That one made me sick too.

Messing with my hormones so extensively also gave me secondary problems. At the height of my struggle with birth control, I had dropped out of school and quit my job. I was sick with flu-like symptoms daily for 3 months. Everything culminated and I started having intensive abdominal pain. I was on lortab and bed bound for about 10 days before we could get things straightened out.

We learned that the abdominal pain was due to an excessive amount of progesterone (the hormone that makes birth control work). They gave me some serotonin and an antispasmodic.

Since we were told there was a chance that his sperm count would be effected by the chemotherapy, they ran a semen analysis to make sure I even needed to take the pill. It came back with perfect results. I kept taking the pill.

In the mean time we kept getting bills from the storage clinic to pay for the cost of storing his sperm. We had a semen analysis that was perfect and an empty pocket book. We decided to have the samples destroyed. Why keep something that you can't afford and you don't need, right?

I had started to feel promptings to try and start our family. That seemed like a crazy idea given the position we were in. However, one day I realized I had no job, dropped out of school, took 7 prescriptions, and only felt just ok most of the time.

We decided to follow those promptings. I took my last pill in February of 2010. A few weeks of being off the pill and I started feeling like my old self again. I was just taking one prescription. It was awesome.

Since I had received so many promptings, one that was especially strong, I figured we would get pregnant right away. The idea was kind of freaky since we were so financially unstable, but we had faith we were doing the right thing. We were pretty excited.

I was surprised, but optimistic every month that went by with another negative pregnancy test. About six months in, my doctor gave me some clomid. Still: Negative, negative, negative. About a year in, my doctor decided she had done everything she could for me. She told me to go see a specialist.

We found a specialist that my insurance covered. We called to schedule an appointment. The first appointment she had was 3 months out. Part of us hoped we wouldn't have to go because we'd be pregnant by then.

We saw the specialist. We talked. She asked a lot of questions. She drew my blood and we scheduled a follow up appointment.

We saw her again the first week of June. She went over my lab results and told me that she couldn't see that there was anything wrong with me. She said, "usually in these circumstances when the woman looks fine, we like to check the men." We told her that wasn't necessary because he had a semen analysis done about a year ago and it was perfect. She told us she wanted to see the semen analysis.

We went home, called the clinic that ordered his semen analysis and asked them to send us a copy. A few days later we got the lab sheet in the mail. We opened it up, expecting to see the lab results from a year earlier.

To our horror, the results had been corrected. We destroyed the stored semen based on the initial results. We were never informed of the correction. His semen analysis wasn't perfect, it was the exact opposite. We called our doctor and asked her if the results were as bad as they looked. She said they were.

We had another semen analysis done. Maybe it would be better since a year had passed a year later.

Nope, still bad. We did two more. Nope, all three told the same story. They weren't pretty. He has a very low sperm count and very low motility.

(I'm going to go ahead try to nip this in the bud: we've had dozens of people advise us to take legal action. You're note the first person to think of it. There's no need for you to do so in the comments.) 

In October of 2011, we had a consult with an Andrology specialist. The Dr. showed us the results of his most recent semen analysis. One of the tests they run averages the sperm count and motility and gives you a score. A normal score is above 30 million. The Dr. told us that people who have no infertility problems have about a 20% chance each month of getting pregnant. The Dr. told us that couples who try for a year and do not get pregnant are said to have a 2-3% chance of getting pregnant. We talked a little bit about treatment options. The Dr. told us that couples who have a score of 20 million in that earlier analysis have a 10-12% chance of getting pregnant each time they try artificial insemination (AI). The Dr. said the chances drop significantly with couples who have a score of 10 million or lower. The Dr. said that couples with a score of 5 million or less will probably waste their time and money with AI. My Husband's has a score of 1 million. AI costs between $700 to $1000 a try.  We talked about in-vitro fertilization. IVF costs about $11,000 to $12,000 a try. It's very invasive and involves a lot of risks. The Dr. told us we might have success with IVF.


 The day of that Dr. appointment was probably the worst day of my life. I felt like I couldn't breath. I had no idea I would be so upset. I had always told myself when I was growing up that I would "just adopt" if I couldn't have children. I didn't think I would care about being able to bear children.

I've been even more surprised at how much pain I still feel. We're coming up on 3 years since we first started trying to get pregnant, and two years since we found out that it wasn't just going to happen for us at home.