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Because of these things

I wanted to share this post with everyone. I did not write this post, but with her permission, I'm going to share it here.

I have wanted to post on this blog several times, but I haven't. I didn't want to turn this blog into a whine fest; I wanted to talk about something positive once in awhile, but I didn't know how.

This wonderful woman took the words out of my mouth.

Here's what she has to say:

Because of these things...

Oh hi again. It's me writing yet another blog post about religion. I would apologize (nobody likes constant sappy in your face church posts), but I can't. I feel so strongly that I need to make my feelings public. (Ha. What a funny world we live in.) These thoughts have been on my mind for some time, but General Conference was the cherry on top and pushed me over the edge. 

Conference helped me realize some things in myself. Things that I already kinda knew, but didn't realize until I was pondering on all the messages shared. This post might be a jumble or a "glass case of emotion." I'm not sure what to expect so here goes. 

I gave the title "because of these things" for a reason. I've tried to be somewhat open and not ashamed of our struggles to turn our family of two into a family of three. This has been scary and therapeutic all at once. Nobody enjoys being vulnerable about their most tender trials. I've been fortunate to come across some kind, wonderful, and supportive women as a result of being more open. 

It has been over a year since I was officially diagnosed with PCOS. I've come to realize that women get pregnant all the live long day with this diagnosis. It is not the end all for fertility by any means. I've learned that there are different levels of PCOS and mine is on the more severe side. There are medicines such as Clomid and Metformin that I could go on to increase fertility. For whatever reason, I strongly feel that these are not the routes for me. I've searched for alternative medicines and found an amazing naturopathic doctor. I've seen small improvements for my PCOS and I remain hopeful that we will be able to have a child without other alternatives. 

Because I know women with PCOS who have gotten pregnant with zero to little problems, I feel like a fraud talking about infertility. I feel like my case is less severe. I feel like there are women who have it much harder than me. I acknowledge this and try to remember this when I'm having a pity party. I am grateful our scenario isn't worse. 

Getting back to religion, I had a massive breakdown last week. You know the one, the uncontrollable sobs, the shoulders shaking, you look like a blotchy red mess? It's super attractive. Sometimes I feel like it's a good thing every once in awhile. I'm a pent up emotions type of personality. Shake me like a pop bottle until one day, all the tears come out. Ryan held me as I cried and shared what I was feeling. Afterwards, I listened to Elder Wirthlin's last talk, "Come What May and Love it." It is one of my all time favorites. It is so good. 

I had a lot of "ah-ha" moments while listening and wanted to share the lessons I've learned over the past year since dealing with all this stuff. 

 

-Because of these things I've learned what kind of heart [my husband] truly has.

My husband is quiet, reserved, and more on the shy side until he is comfortable. He will do anything for anyone and wants everyone to be happy. He is genuine, sincere, and honest. (Almost a little too honest. Haha kidding.) He is tender hearted, caring, and loves with a depth that few know and understand. I've watched his heart break when we talk about children. I've watched those beautiful brown eyes fill with tears over hurt feelings. I've seen him wipe away others tears. He is a loving, kind person. Many couples say struggling to conceive tears couples apart. For me, it has helped me love [my husband] on a whole new level and appreciate the person that he is. He has wrapped his arms around me and held me while I've cried. He's tried doing silly things just to get me to laugh. He is a good person and I'm grateful he is mine.

 

-Because of these things I've discovered that every single person has a "thing." 

Not one person is exempt from trials. As I've opened up and talked with more people, I've realized that everyone has something that makes them hurt or feel broken. Everyone. We all have burdens weighing us down. I used to think everyone had perfect lives but me. People have great lives, but they cannot escape having a "thing." Whether it be addictions in all their forms, hurt feelings, low self esteem, wayward family members, loss of a loved one, struggling over big decisions, etc. We all have something. We're all on equal playing ground. 

 

-Because of these things my hard heart has softened. 

I used to be proud of my sassy, independent, women can rule the world attitude. I was very much about the girl power, and I still am to a degree. However, without even realizing it, I had let the world make my heart hard. I lost that compassion and saw softness as a weakness. How naive I was. I realize what a strength it is to be meek, humble, and submissive to the Spirit. I'm not great at those things, but I'm learning. Being a Mother was never really on the top of my list. I never wanted to play with dolls much as a child. I was all about Barbies and sports. Within the past 3 years, something changed in my heart. That mothering desire I didn't even know I had was shining through. Now, I can't imagine not ever getting a chance to be a Mom. This trial has taught me it's okay to be soft. In fact, the world needs more soft women. There are far too many with hearts of stone. 

 

-Because of these things I've learned that there are good people that care. 

I often felt alone at first. I struggled a lot. Slowly, but surely, people have surprised me with their kindness and empathy. I have been blessed. Sometimes you just need a hug and people to cry with you, I feel like I have a few friends that would drop everything and be there if I asked. It has made a difference for me. 

 

-Because of these things I've realized how to have compassion for others.

I'm not perfect at this. I'm still learning, but going through my own trials has made me more aware of others. I'm learning how to read body language more efficiently. Sometimes you can see the hurt of burdens in people's eyes. People try and be strong, but you need to always be willing to help them whether they ask or not. Again, not perfect at this one, but I'm learning.

 

-Because of these things I've realized that faith is a gift.

We all have gifts and talents. I've learned that one of mine is faith. I have complete faith, not a perfect faith, but a firm faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. It is hard trusting at times, but I hold on to that faith and hope that days will get better. I have faith that the Savior can heal my heart and knows my sorrows. I am grateful for my faith. I can't imagine going through trials without faith in God. 

 

-Because of these things I've realized that the Savior loves me.

This has been a difficult lesson to learn. Why would He love a chubby, broken, sinner like myself? I don't have a Masters. I don't have children. I am too sassy for my own good. I'm not successful with life. Why? Why would He waste His time on me? I'm not perfect. My body isn't perfect. My life isn't perfect. However, I am trying. I am trying to be better and to be a good person. I know that He knows that. He loves me, babyless and all. He is my Savior, my Friend, my Shepherd, and my Redeemer. He died for me. He suffered my pains and knows better than anyone how to heal me. I must be an okay person if the Savior thinks I'm worth it. 

-Because of these things I've learned that life doesn't go according to plan. 

My plan was to marry Ryan, have 2 fabulous years playing, and then get pregnant right away. That was the dream. But just like Rapunzel, I had to find a new dream. Life hasn't gone according to our brilliant plan. It has been a tough pill to swallow. For me, the girl with the plan, to not have a plan has been difficult. I've had to put a lot of trust in The Lord and in His timing. It's easier said then done sometimes. 

 

-Because of these things I've learned that people don't mean to be offensive.

People say super cool things to me about infertility. It used to make my blood boil and I'd whip out my sassy pants faster than a lion chasing a warthog. (Sorry Pumba.) I got a little too sassy at a relief society activity one time.... I've come to learn that people are just not aware of how hurtful their comments are. Now I can smile, take it with a grain of salt, and politely correct them when it's needed. People are generally good and have good intentions, they don't mean to hurt my feelings. 

 

-Because of these things I've re-realized the goodness of the Savior. 

God is so good. Jesus Christ is so good. They are both incredibly loving and merciful. When struggling with depression, I discovered what the Atonement meant to me. Now, struggling with this, I've learned what the Atonement means to me on a whole new level. I am so grateful that the Savior knows how to heal my broken heart. He alone can heal me like no other source can. He suffered my trials, my heartaches, and knows with exactness how I'm feeling. What a huge blessing. 

-Because of these things I've discovered who my real friends are. 

I won't go into details. It is pretty self explanatory.

 

-Because of these things I've learned to appreciate families and the Plan of Salvation. 

I'm so grateful for our families. We feel their love and support often. They are a blessing. I've realized that God didn't ever want us to be alone. Families are a treasure here on Earth. :)

 

-Because of these things I've learned what I can and can't handle. 

There's a saying something like "you don't know how strong you are until it's the only option you have." Uhhh that saying is stupid. When faced with a trial, you have several options!!! You always, always have choices. You can give up, go forward, complain, gain strength, etc. I may not know all my limits because I'm sure I have harder things in life to face than this, but if I know what I can and can't handle I'll be ok. I couldn't handle being the primary pianist. I had to "quit" for my own well being. I can work with the children at my job. I can't handle seeing billions of people's pregnancy announcements wondering if I'll ever get a turn. I can handle my friends bringing beautiful children into the world. I have an idea about what my limits are to an extent. 

 

-Because of these things I am blessed. 

It sounds silly and cliche, but without these struggles we've been facing, I might not have learned some valuable lessons, I still have many lessons to learn and I'm still trying to improve, but I'm realizing that perhaps this was the best way for me to gain this knowledge. Just like the Provo Tabernacle, Heavenly Father needs me to be burned down in order to prepare for something better. I'm not grateful everyday for this trial, but I'm learning to appreciate the good that it has taught me. 

I'm trying to find joy in the journey. There really is beauty in all things, we just have to search for it sometimes. My life isn't going according to plan, but I'm realizing more and more that I am blessed and I have much to be thankful for.

I hope everyone else was as touched by her words as I was. It takes a LOT of courage to share this kind of intimate stuff with people and I really respect her for it. She is really one of those glass-half-full-silver-lining people. In my own journey of infertility, I've learned how much optimism is a choice.  I'm sure this individual struggles and has hard days and her heartache is still significant, but she is also able to see the opportunity for growth in her struggle and I feel that is the key to "making it" though the trial and keeping your head up. 

Healing on the inside

Exactly one year ago was when Mr. C and I  last saw my OB/GYN doctor. It was then that my doctor suggested I go on a 1800 calorie diet and exercise to lose weight in order to help my symptoms associated with PCOS and Endometriosis. 

My first reaction was to laugh - Doesn't he know how hard I've tried to lose weight? Doesn't he know exercising irritates my endometriosis? Does he even remember all that I've gone through this year, including a recent surgery? 

My second reaction was ignorance - I already know I had failed in the "get healthy and move active" department and a doctor's recommendation to try again wasn't enough motivation to get healthy and lose weight. Even if he promised my symptoms would improve and give me a greater chance should I want to do fertility treatments in the near future. 

This past year, I haven't really taken my doctor's words to heart. In fact, I've ignored them completely! I'm started to realize just how stupid I was to ignore my doctor's advice. These last few months, Mr. C and I have started to research fertility treatments. After much reading and researching, my heart started to ache and my mind echoed the words of my doctor "You need to get healthy should you ever want a chance to conceiving a child". 

Sure, I could easily do various fertility treatments now in the hopes that we conceive a child - but what if I do conceive a child? Would my body be able to carry or support the growing child? Would my pre-diabetes condition evolve into gestation diabetes and carry on after I deliver? Would I be willing to risk my health and the health of my unborn child due to all the complications of being unhealthy and overweight while pregnant?

I don't want that for me or my unborn child. 

Three weeks ago, I decided that part of my infertility journey will be to heal from the inside out. I need to lose weight. I need to eat healthier. I need to exercise regularly. I need to heal my body in hopes that being healthier will help treat my PCOS and make my endometriosis more tolerable. 

Since then, I have already lost 7 lbs and 1-3 inches on various parts of my body. I already notice some of my symptoms starting to get better. My pelvic pain is less noticeable, my hair isn't falling out as much, my facial hair doesn't grow as fast and my body in general feels better. I can feel my body healing on the inside and I'm happy. 

For once, I feel like actively working towards my future family. I no longer feel like I have to wait - wait for a doctor to okay me for one part of the process, or wait see how various results turn out, or slowly  wait earn money for future treatments. I now can do something about my fertility! I have a new found hope that what I'm doing now is preparing for our future family - no matter how our family may grow!

Being healthier has never felt so good!

Conflicted

So.... My best friend is pregnant. And I feel-- conflicted. One side: I am SO excited for her. I can't even express how much joy I felt when I got that text message with the pregnancy test in the picture. I hurried out and I went and built her a morning sickness care package with Preggie Pops (special hard candy's for morning sickness) Sea Bands, this really amazing roll-on perfume that smells exactly like ginger, and a copy of "What to expect when you're expecting" because I knew she didn't have a copy. I even found this really great card that when you opened it it said "In my experience, there's no such thing as luck". I thought it was hilarious given my situation so I got that as well. I pictured myself giving it to her and how happy we were going to be talking about her upcoming baby and all the things she's excited about. I could give her some of the information that I had been researching about different birthing methods, etc. I gave her that gift last night and it was exactly like I pictured. It was so much fun talking to her about everything. She told me she was afraid to tell me because she was afraid my feelings would be hurt, and I quickly assured her that I couldn't be happier. But this morning. I feel so much joy that there is going to be this new little person in my life. SO much joy. but I am so afraid of the pain it's going to cause. I know that at some point I am going to look at my friend and be sad. I know that at some point, I am going to look at this baby and feel pain. I know that it's coming because that ache is always there inside me. That feeling of emptiness and like you aren't good enough. The feeling that if you could just do this one thing then God would give you a baby. I feel that pain there and I know that at some point I am going to feel that way about my friend. All I can focus on is how I am going to handle that feeling. I know that the only thing I can do, is pray. Pray for the comfort and companionship of my Heavenly Father to know that he understand me and my pain. To know that I only have to wait a little longer-- however long that may be. Honestly, I think I'd rather go bowling.

To Mourn an Absence

“But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words “to mourn an absence”. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I am sorry for your loss”. But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”




- Laura Bush

Letting go of the "Baby" room

I've debated about writing this experience, as it seems very insignificant and probably something "silly" to even discuss....but who knows. Maybe its not as silly as I think and my experience can hit home to another woman out in the big wide world and make her feel not so silly like I do right now.

Mr. C and I recently moved to a bigger place  6 months ago after our old apartment flooded. We were blessed in finding a 3 bedroom, 2 bath home - one room extra than our old place. It truly feels like a family home and we couldn't be happier! Mr. C and I are in love with our new place and loving the extra room even more.

When we first moved in to our new place, we had an unspoken agreement that the extra room next to our bedroom would be the future baby room. We haven't put any of furniture in the room or stored anything in the closets, except for a few baby items I have acquired throughout our marriage.

Every morning, I would see that empty room. A silent reminder of our "empty" nest. I would often fantasize where I would put the baby crib. What color scheme I would use to match the carpet. Where I would place all the cute baby decor on the walls. If the rocking chair would work better near corner by the window or on the other side of the crib. Thinking of the future nursery I hoped to one day have would bring me happiness, but only for a short time. Slowly, the happiness turned negative as reality set in regarding my infertility and I could only focus on the emptiness and the lifelessness of the room.

I never could have imagined a room being such a negative and painful reminder of my infertility. I started closing the door and avoiding the room completely - just so I wouldn't have those negative, depressive feelings.

Then, a blessing in disguised came in the form of free furniture.  A co-worker was cleaning out her house and had offered to give me a bedroom set and a dining room table - completely free! I couldn't pass it up, especially since our old dining room table was warped due to the flood in our old apartment and I always wanted to have a guest bedroom.

Once Mr. C and I brought the furniture home, we quickly realized that the bedroom set was slightly bigger than the room we had planned to make the guest bedroom, especially with our office/craft furniture also in the room. The only room it would available for the furniture to fit in was the 3rd bedroom - my hopeful future nursery room.

Even though I had been avoiding that room like the plague, I wasn't ready to give up our nursery. I didn't want to let go of the possibility that the extra room could be turned into a nursery. I wasn't ready for that room to be used for anything else but  a nursery.

I felt sick to my stomach as we slowly moved the furniture to the "nursery". The queen size bed frame was placed where I would have put the crib. The dresser was placed on the wall where I would have liked to put pictures of our baby in cute colorful frames. One of the nightstands were exactly in the place I decided the rocking chair would go. It was painful to slowly replace my visions of a nursery with non-baby furniture. After we were done, I had an emotional meltdown and cried.

I know it seems silly to feel so sick over a spare room and replacing it with furniture. It even seems silly to me now as I look back on that day. Thankfully, I laugh about it now. But at that moment, I felt the spare room now becoming the guest bedroom was replacing my dreams of our nursery. I wasn't ready to give up "one more thing" to infertility.

Now - I absolutely love our guestroom! I love looking into this room filled with furniture and thinking about the friends and family we can now have stay in our home. I now fantasize about all the different color schemes I could use and frequently cruise pinterest for creative DIY projects to make the room even more fitting for a guest bedroom.

This silly little experience did let me see how this once empty room related to my own life. I see how I have let my sorrows and frustrations due to my infertility give me an excuses to stay empty. I would ignore baby showers, avoid looking through the cute baby clothes on sale at the store and completely avoid meetings at church because I know they would talk about motherhood - all painful reminders of infertility, just like the empty room. Who knows? I could have had a blast at the baby shower with all my friends. I could have enjoyed a wonderful lesson at Church. I could have found a cute baby outfit on sale for a friend's upcoming shower.  I have been leaving my life empty to experiences because of my infertility.

The lesson I gained from this silly experience? I have power. I can choose the experience I want. I can decide if the experiences thrown at me stays empty or if I decide to make the experience fulfilling. Its very powerful to think about, especially when I feel most days I have no control over my circumstances.

Yes, I can never fill the emptiness infertility can bring - its can be a very emotional roller coaster to ride and I know I will have days were I break down and cry. Nothing can ever replace the sting and emptiness infertility can bring. Just like my guest bedroom will never replace my dreams for a nursery. I'm not suggestion I'm completely accepting of my infertility either. (far from in fact, but a long work in process!), I just know I want to be happy and its OKAY to be happy. Its okay to temporarily replace the emptiness with experiences that can make me happy. There is nothing wrong with being happy and I feel more willing to search out more fulfilling experiences in my life. 

Like everything, its going to be a process. It may take a lifetime to finally feel like I've completely grasp this concept. Its going to take a lot of practice and a lot of learning. But I can accept and seek out experiences instead of settling with the emptiness infertility can bring. Its okay to feel empty some days, but I don't have to let the emptiness rule me.

But most of all....Its okay to be happy.

Speaking the common language

What never ceases to amaze me is how every woman who has experienced infertility, no matter what her story, seems to speak a common language.

Here is a post I came across on pinterest today:

From: Hello Bee

Dear Infertile Me,
I am writing to you from almost seven years after you started trying to get pregnant.  As you continue on your journey towards motherhood, I wanted to tell you a few things you will learn along the way.

To begin with, you are not infertile.  You are not barren.  Your eggs have not all dried up.  Let’s just call you momentarily reproductively challenged.  If you start letting words like infertile creep into your vocabulary, you will drive yourself mad.  Trust me on this one.

Trying to conceive and having difficulties SUCKS! No doubt about that. PCOS and a tipped uterus make things difficult, and there is nothing you can do about it.  Waiting for your period that inevitably will crush your spirit each time it arrives stinks!  Symptom spotting, which by the way is only PMS, is torture. Killing yourself with thoughts about how your body is not doing the one thing a woman’s body is supposed to do is ridiculous.  I wish I could make all of the months go away, but I can’t.  This is part of your journey and part of your story.
When people say things to you that make you go into a bout of depression like: “When are you going to start having babies?” or “You should start soon, you’re not getting any younger?” or “We tried this when we were trying… worked the first month.” Just remember they don’t know what they are saying.  People who have not been through it don’t understand.  They don’t mean to hurt your feelings and they don’t know how much their comments dig into the space in your heart that is waiting for a baby.  For the most part humans are curious creatures and want to know about your life.  Please be forgiving even though you wish so often you could punch someone for their insensitivity.

You are not crazy; every single woman you know is pregnant.  Every friend on Facebook is going to start posting pictures of sticks they have peed on with that magical second line or the glorious word pregnant across the screen.  A few months later all the ultrasound pictures will pop up followed by beautiful birth stories.  You will undoubtedly torture yourself over every announcement and every picture.  I wish I could tell you to stop but you won’t.  What I can tell you is how to handle it.  Let yourself mourn each time you read or hear the news of a new pregnancy.  One of them will be your sister, so get ready for that one.  Cry, scream, yell, whatever it takes, do it.  But then you have to move on.  You have to move on and be happy for the people around you.  They are experiencing a joyous occasion in their lives and it’s important not to shut your friends or family out.

You husband is a loving and supportive person but give him time to adjust.  You are not the woman he is used to being married to.  When you can go from a normal wife to a sobbing mess to a raving lunatic in the time span of one commercial break because you are hopped up on so many hormones, he does not know how to deal with it.  He will try his best but he will make mistakes.  You are on this journey together and you will both come out of it alive and well.  I promise.  Cut him some slack and don’t get too angry at him when he has to give you shots in your rump and doesn’t do it as good as a nurse.

Please find the humor in all of this and make some jokes.  Your sense of humor will get you through.  You husband will tease you about the doctor scheduling your intimacy.  Just go with it.  Later you will find the humor in the fact that they marked your calendar with little hearts.  Think of how many sticks you peed on in two years.  Seriously, the owner of EPT should give you some kickback.  It’s ridiculous.

Throughout this process the thing that will bug you the most is your belief in God.  Let me assure you, you are still a Christian woman.  You know it in your heart but there are huge doubts.  You are not losing your faith — you are just angry and that’s OK.  When you feel like talking to him again, just apologize for being so angry and move one.  God did not give you ovaries that work on their own time schedule, if at all.  God didn’t tip that uterus back in a weird shape.  That’s just biology.  What God did give you was the heart of a mother.  I know that it feels like a curse, to have the desire to be a mother so badly and a body that won’t cooperate, but this is the part of you that will lead you to your first child.  Follow your heart and your belief in God and you will be a mother.  Always remember it does not take a pregnancy to become a mother.

I know you are in the middle of one of the hardest times in your life.  If I told you that you will go on to be a mother of four beautiful children you would never believe me, but here it goes. You will choose adoption as your route to your first child because you will get tired of the TTC game and it will be the best decision of your life.  The day you hold your son and look into his eyes you will know that you are his mother.  Three biological children will follow and they will continue to fill your heart with joy.  So please while you struggle through the next few years, just remember that every tear you shed, every ache in your heart and every month you struggle through will be worth it.  You will be a mother and it will be everything you ever wanted.

 Reading this was like reading a letter I had written to myself (minus the part about having 4 children). It amazes me how we women share many of the same feelings even though we don't know each other at all.

The C family - Our story

For this blog, I will refer to myself as Mrs. C, my husband as Mr. C and our family as the C family.  I've been wanting to share my infertility story for awhile now and I'm overjoyed that I'm finally able to share my story to the world.

My story starts before I became Mrs. C or even before becoming Mrs. C was even possible in my head! Yes, I'm one of those crazy girls who had a crush on the same guy for 7 years waiting for Mr. C to make his move and ask me out.

I started my periods at age 11 and I remember the day I started my period because it was the most painful experience of my life! I knew periods would have cramps...but I never imagined having pains to the point of vomiting and leaving me practically bed ridden for the entire week of my period - which was always heavy and unpredictable. Whenever I asked my mom or the school nurse (whenever I couldn't take the pain at school), they would always tell me it was normal and I would eventually get used to the pain.

It wasn't until I was a freshman in high school at age 14 that I decided to see my primary doctor about my menstrual cramps and once again was frustrated and angry when she said that it was "normal". She put me on birth control to help regulate my periods and lessen my flow, then sent me on my way. The birth controls did help regulate my period but it didn't help with the flow and my menstrual cramps were still excruciating.

Once a senior in high school in 2005-2006, Mr. C and I started dating and it was the happiest time in my life! I was finally dating my 7 year crush, graduating from high school and preparing for the opportunities ahead of me. However, this also the year I noticed my periods were becoming more irregular, my hair was thinning on the top of my head, my skin was more oily, I was gaining weight without changing my diet and I was growing facial and body hair at a much faster rate. Overall, I just didn't feel good. I also started to develop horrible lower back pain and pelvic pain daily.

In January 2007, Mr. C left for his mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. During this time my period was long overdue by three months and I chalked it up to being stressed with Mr. C leaving on his mission and starting college. Soon, it became 9 months without a period and during this time I had gained 40lbs quickly. I finally convinced myself to see someone about this as I was concerned for my health. I saw a new primary doctor and she quickly realized that this wasn't "normal". I had a trans-vaginal and a pelvic ultrasound and several blood work done to see what was up with my body.

The results: I have been diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS for short. My blood work showed my body was insulin resistant and my testosterone levels were three times what they should have been. My ultrasound results show both my ovaries were literally COVERED in cysts - there was too many for the radiologist to count them all.

With a diagnosed, my doctor decided to put me on birth control pills (again) to try and even things out in my body. I agreed and stayed on birth control pills with little improvement. My periods were still irregular even on the pill and the pills made me an emotional monster. I just felt "off" being on them and eventually went of them after 10 months.

In 2009, Mr. C came home from his mission at the end of January, asked me to married him in February and    we married in June of that same year. We had many conversations about the future, including the oh so famous discussion of "how many kids do you want?". We both agreed we would love to have kids in the future and would start our adding to our family a year or two after our marriage.

 A few months after our wedding, I noticed my pelvic pain and back pain were worse, my periods were completely absent and my PCOS symptoms were growing worse every day. I went to my doctor again and she put me on Metformin 500mg (1 per day). She advise me of the side effects (stomach problems, diarrhea, vomiting, etc) but that it should pass once I've been on it for 45 days.

I hate Metformin. My body hates Metformin. I couldn't eat anything on Metformin without puking right after or having to run to the bathroom every 10 minutes (I'm not exaggerating in the slightest, I wish I was!). Mr. C and I couldn't go to the movies because I would constantly have to get up and use the bathroom and miss the entire movie. Eating out was out of the question because I couldn't eat without throwing up straight afterwards. It was awful! My doctor even put me on Metformin ER to see if it would lessen the side effects, but nothing changed. After 6 months of being on Metformin, I decided to give it up and have no desire to be back on Metformin even though several doctors have suggested the drug to me since then.

Also, in 2009, I was also dealing with horrible pelvic and back pain. I was finally referred by my primary doctor to see an OB/GYN and it was suggested by him to have a Laparoscopy procedure to look for Endometriosis, which was suspected in my case. I was scheduled for a Laparoscopy in January 2010. This was the scariest decision I've made thus far, but I'm glad I did it. My OB/GYN told me afterwards that my ovaries were not only covered in cysts, my ovaries were enlarged and also covered in Endometriosis. He also told me my hopes for children in the future would not happen and I would never had children naturally. When he told me that, it hit me hard. I had never heard of endometriosis before and the fact that this could take my dreams of being a mother away from me completely tore me up inside! I remember laying in the recovery room of the hospital crying because I was so scared and depressed of the news I've just received from the Doctor. Thankfully an angel in the form of a nurse walked into my room to check my vitals and noticed my tears. She also had Endometriosis and was able to tell me about it and provide me comfort that even though there is no cure, the symptoms could be managed and even though she had endometriosis, she was blessed with a baby girl. My hope for a family naturally was still brightly burning in front of me. I just had to remind myself that endometriosis wasn't the "end" to the dreams of having my own children.

A month after surgery, I was beginning to feel better. My pelvic pain had vanished and for the first time in a long time, I felt normal! Unfortunately, it was very short lived and one night in February, I woke up screaming and crying because something felt like it exploded in pelvis on my right side. I've never felt anything like that before in my life - it felt like hot fiery acid being poured in my pelvis while at the same time someone was taking a saw and cutting off my ovary. Mr. C rushed me to the ER and after 8hrs of being poked, prodded and evaluated, it was determined it was just my Endometriosis and that they couldn't do nothing for me but provided me pain pills.

I saw my OB/GYN and he quickly put me on Lupron Depot shots to get rid of my Endometriosis. The shots put your body into menopause and come with a wide vary of symptoms, some of which I'm still suffering from two years later. I was on the shots for six long months - I felt like a 24 year old trapped in a 72 year olds body. It was awful! Though my pelvic pain did cease while on the shots, but once off them, my pain quickly came back.

I continued to suffer in pain and saw my OB/GYN again, who said it was impossible for the Lupron shots not to work and that I'm making the pain up in my mind. After leaving his office crying, I decided to see a new OB/GYN, Dr. Ted. I'm so blessed to have found Dr. Ted! Right away, he offered me another Laparoscopy procedure to check my situation down there. In Septemeber 2011, I had my second Laparoscopy. Both Dr. Ted and I were surprised to find that my endometriosis had grown through out my pelvis, despite being on Lupron to lessen it. My ovaries were still covered in cysts and my appendix was dead, which they suspect is due to the endometriosis and several adhesions in my pelvis.

Since my last surgery, I continue to deal with the pain and anguish of PCOS and Endometriosis daily. For right now, due to emotional reasons, we've decided to stop "officially" trying to conceive. However, we aren't preventing it either. For right now, we are trying to focus on just the two of us until we decide to start "officially" trying again.

Cheryl & Ryan

Here's a story: Boy and girl meet at age 12 and 13. Boy and girl grow up together. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy and girl eventually get married at age 21 and 22. It's a beautiful wedding. It's a difficult but beautiful marriage (really what good marriage isn't?). Fast forward about 6 months later. It's Christmas and they are with all of their family (and trust me, it's not small) and she starts to feel a pull in her heart, an ache, and she knows that she wants something more. That's how we started. We wanted more. We found that we loved each other more than anything and we wanted to share that love with a little person that would have their Fathers' brains and their Mothers' taste. It didn't take long for us to figure out that things just... weren't working right. We knew to begin with that we would probably have at least a small struggle. My family has a history of fertility issues ranging from thyroid problems to endometriosis to PCOS-- which is what I have, (I'm sure we'll get into what all of those things ARE in a later blog post) but there was always that hope in the back of my mind that maybe MAYBE it would be different for me. MAYBE it wouldn't be difficult and I would get pregnant right off. Unfortunately, that's not the way that it happened. So it's been almost 4 years. 4 years full of heartache and pain. 4 years full of herbal treatments, birth control, prescription drugs, at least 1200 Ovulation tests, Negative Pregnancy tests, Fertility books, advice (usually unsolicited and insensitive-- although very well intentioned)and tears. It's also been full of love and an opportunity to come closer to my husband and to my Father in Heaven. This struggle has taught me how to be patient and that I can't control everything, no matter how much I'd like to. So we keep trying, and someday, someday we will have our children gathered around us, and we will teach them the things that we are learning now. :)

Our Story

Since our story is unique, our friends and family will recognize us by the details. However, to protect our privacy as much as possible. I am going to refer to ourselves as "he/him/his"  and "I/me/my/mine."

We are LDS and live in Utah. We have been married for almost 4 years. We have dogs and a house.

He and I  started dating when I was about 17 and he was about 18. We dated until he left on his mission in January of 2007. I wrote him throughout his mission. In early December of 2008, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He was sent home from his mission about 2 months early. It was all very sudden. He went to the doctor on Monday, learned he had cancer on Tuesday, flew home on Wednesday and had the tumor, and therefore his testicle, removed on Thursday.

After several tests, the doctors determined that they could not see any more cancer, but that there was a 20% chance that there was more cancer that wasn't visible. He was given the following options:

• Monitor for 5 years and watch for more cancer: not recommended because most people don't follow through and the cancer ends up coming back unnoticed.
• Have surgery to remove the surrounding lymph nodes: This was proposed to have a 1 in 3 chance the cancer would return if it was even there and a 10% of causing infertility.
• Chemotherapy: this was proposed as having a small chance of the cancer returning (if it was even there) and a small chance of infertility (I don't remember the exact numbers)

We picked chemo. We were warned that that was a (very small) chance that chemo may leave him with a low sperm count. He store and froze sperm at a storage clinic-just in case.  He had 2 rounds of chemotherapy in January and February of 2009. He lost his hair. His mom and I cried because we were afraid he would be bald in the wedding photos. It was all very dramatic. We got married in May 2009. His hair had grown back enough for respectable wedding photos-Phew!

We did what most engaged couples do. I went to see the female doctor about 4 months before the wedding. The female doctor gave me a prescription for "the pill." I took the pill. My hormones were out of control and everything made me cry. Once I cried for 7 hours straight because I thought my car was broken. The pill made me feel a little nauseous at bed time. I dealt with it, it wasn't that bad.

However, soon after we got married, I stared mysteriously getting sick about once a month. It was around the same time that swine flu was a big risk. I went to the doctor and they tested for swine flu, pregnancy, and about anything else you could think of. Negative, negative, negative. After about 3 months of getting sick every month for 1 week, I figured it out. The "pill" was making me sick, or to be more specific: not taking the "pill" was making me sick. The week I took the placebos and was off the hormones I was fatigued, nauseous, dizzy, and tired. As soon as I started taking the hormones again, I was fine.

We went to 3 medical professionals before we could finally get someone to listen to me. The doctors told me it couldn't be my birth control. One finally told me it could. We tried another kind. That one made me sick every day. We tried a third kind. That one made me sick too.

Messing with my hormones so extensively also gave me secondary problems. At the height of my struggle with birth control, I had dropped out of school and quit my job. I was sick with flu-like symptoms daily for 3 months. Everything culminated and I started having intensive abdominal pain. I was on lortab and bed bound for about 10 days before we could get things straightened out.

We learned that the abdominal pain was due to an excessive amount of progesterone (the hormone that makes birth control work). They gave me some serotonin and an antispasmodic.

Since we were told there was a chance that his sperm count would be effected by the chemotherapy, they ran a semen analysis to make sure I even needed to take the pill. It came back with perfect results. I kept taking the pill.

In the mean time we kept getting bills from the storage clinic to pay for the cost of storing his sperm. We had a semen analysis that was perfect and an empty pocket book. We decided to have the samples destroyed. Why keep something that you can't afford and you don't need, right?

I had started to feel promptings to try and start our family. That seemed like a crazy idea given the position we were in. However, one day I realized I had no job, dropped out of school, took 7 prescriptions, and only felt just ok most of the time.

We decided to follow those promptings. I took my last pill in February of 2010. A few weeks of being off the pill and I started feeling like my old self again. I was just taking one prescription. It was awesome.

Since I had received so many promptings, one that was especially strong, I figured we would get pregnant right away. The idea was kind of freaky since we were so financially unstable, but we had faith we were doing the right thing. We were pretty excited.

I was surprised, but optimistic every month that went by with another negative pregnancy test. About six months in, my doctor gave me some clomid. Still: Negative, negative, negative. About a year in, my doctor decided she had done everything she could for me. She told me to go see a specialist.

We found a specialist that my insurance covered. We called to schedule an appointment. The first appointment she had was 3 months out. Part of us hoped we wouldn't have to go because we'd be pregnant by then.

We saw the specialist. We talked. She asked a lot of questions. She drew my blood and we scheduled a follow up appointment.

We saw her again the first week of June. She went over my lab results and told me that she couldn't see that there was anything wrong with me. She said, "usually in these circumstances when the woman looks fine, we like to check the men." We told her that wasn't necessary because he had a semen analysis done about a year ago and it was perfect. She told us she wanted to see the semen analysis.

We went home, called the clinic that ordered his semen analysis and asked them to send us a copy. A few days later we got the lab sheet in the mail. We opened it up, expecting to see the lab results from a year earlier.

To our horror, the results had been corrected. We destroyed the stored semen based on the initial results. We were never informed of the correction. His semen analysis wasn't perfect, it was the exact opposite. We called our doctor and asked her if the results were as bad as they looked. She said they were.

We had another semen analysis done. Maybe it would be better since a year had passed a year later.

Nope, still bad. We did two more. Nope, all three told the same story. They weren't pretty. He has a very low sperm count and very low motility.

(I'm going to go ahead try to nip this in the bud: we've had dozens of people advise us to take legal action. You're note the first person to think of it. There's no need for you to do so in the comments.) 

In October of 2011, we had a consult with an Andrology specialist. The Dr. showed us the results of his most recent semen analysis. One of the tests they run averages the sperm count and motility and gives you a score. A normal score is above 30 million. The Dr. told us that people who have no infertility problems have about a 20% chance each month of getting pregnant. The Dr. told us that couples who try for a year and do not get pregnant are said to have a 2-3% chance of getting pregnant. We talked a little bit about treatment options. The Dr. told us that couples who have a score of 20 million in that earlier analysis have a 10-12% chance of getting pregnant each time they try artificial insemination (AI). The Dr. said the chances drop significantly with couples who have a score of 10 million or lower. The Dr. said that couples with a score of 5 million or less will probably waste their time and money with AI. My Husband's has a score of 1 million. AI costs between $700 to $1000 a try.  We talked about in-vitro fertilization. IVF costs about $11,000 to $12,000 a try. It's very invasive and involves a lot of risks. The Dr. told us we might have success with IVF.


 The day of that Dr. appointment was probably the worst day of my life. I felt like I couldn't breath. I had no idea I would be so upset. I had always told myself when I was growing up that I would "just adopt" if I couldn't have children. I didn't think I would care about being able to bear children.

I've been even more surprised at how much pain I still feel. We're coming up on 3 years since we first started trying to get pregnant, and two years since we found out that it wasn't just going to happen for us at home.

Some thoughts...

I've been following along with several people online about their struggles with infertility, and thought I would get my story out there.  My husband and I were married at the end of 2007 (December 29 to be precise), and have been trying to conceive from the very beginning.  We had no reason to believe that it would be a struggle for us, but we were in for a HUGE awakening. I have friends who have had their struggles, but most of them have since been able to have children through various treatments, or eventually "miraculously" on their own.

Let me start by saying that for several years I had had a suspicion that it might be harder than I wanted for me to have children.  When I was in college (many years ago), I had started having weird "symptoms" with my periods.  I'm not talking about the PMS crazies.  I'm talking about cramping in less common spots (mostly my lower back down into my tailbone), hot flashes, worsening cramps, and almost passing out, just to hit the highlights.  My cycles were still regular, and as a Biology major, I knew enough to know that as women age, the nature of our periods can change.  After I graduated college, things got worse...the pain didn't necessarily get worse (although the job I had at the time screwed up my back to the point of 3 bulging discs), but now my blood sugar would bottom out and I often found myself literally crawling on my hands and knees to the bathroom.  I started getting nausea with my pain, and it started moving from my back to my abdomen.  My cycles also started to get closer together, then farther apart, then closer together.  

I went to my primary care and he sent me to a Gynecologist, and after doing an exam and listening to my symptoms decided that birth control would help ease pretty much everything.  I wasn't married, nor in a relationship at the time, so I went ahead and took the pills, and things did start to get a little better.  I wasn't having the hot flashes, the blood pressure/blood sugar fluctuations, the nausea, or the intense gut-wrenching pain anymore.  Things were looking up! That was my first clue that something wasn't quite right and that I might have a little trouble getting pregnant, but I was still very hopeful.  After 3 months of taking the name-brand samples the doctor had given me, I went to have my prescription for my birth control filled at the pharmacy.  Big mistake--the pharmacy filled it generically because that's what my insurance would cover.  It took me 3 months to figure out that my symptoms were back because the formulation was just different enough to screw up my system.  So I called and they gave me more name-brand samples and a specific name-brand prescription, but the damage was done.  My body didn't respond to it anymore, and I found myself with worse pain and nausea than before I had been put on it.  By this point I had met and was dating my now husband, and during this transition we got engaged (keep in mind that this is only about 6 months since I was initially put on birth control).

I went back in to the doctor for my annual exam and told her about how my body seemed to be rejecting even the name-brand bcp.  She said that there were tons of different options, so we'd just change the drug.  She put me on the patch....let me tell you, it was almost like night and day!  Yay!!!  Now I could live a somewhat "normal" life.  Well, I had been on the patch about 2 months when I got married (yes, we met, got engaged, and married all within 10 months), and since we wanted to try to start having kids right away, I quit the patch.  The doctor had assured me that it would be easier to get pregnant coming off the patch than the pills because of the way the hormones are delivered.  Well, 3 months go by with no period, numerous negative pregnancy tests, weight gain, nausea, increased appetite..... The doctor (I now had a new primary care doc) ordered me an ultrasound--negative.  So he sent me to an OB/GYN to have a consultation.  I had a period before I could get in to see her, and I felt like I had been shot through the gut.  I had never had that much pain in my life!  The ER gave me some good drugs (I can't remember what they were) and told me that I had a UTI, so they gave me some antibiotics to go with the pain meds.

I went on like this for 18 months, visiting the ER every month (or every time I had a period) where they would give me IV pain meds, some nausea meds, and antibiotics for a UTI then send me home.  I had switched jobs, I had lost all the weight that I had gained (20 pounds), and I was still not getting pregnant.  My primary care doctor was getting tired of doing ER follow-ups, so he gave me a home prescription for Vicodin--talk about not trying to get to the root of the problem.  When this happened, I was about a week away from my annual GYN appt, so when I told my OB/GYN about my newest prescription, she called and scheduled me for laproscopic surgery to "have a look around" to see if what she was suspecting was true.  

Keep in mind that I was still having erratic and excruciatingly painful periods (the pain was to the point that I contemplated very seriously having a hysterectomy).  I went through every doctor in 2 ERs between the time the painful periods started and the time I had surgery.  After surgery, my doctor told me that it was amazing that I had gone so long without the horrible pain because of the amount of scar tissue she found in my abdomen.  She also said that my diagnosis was endometriosis, despite her doubt that all the scar tissue was endometrial.  (She told me that some was from my previous appendectomy 11 years prior.)  Basically (this might get a little gross, but bear with me), I had a sheet of thick scar tissue that went from the top of my bowel to the top of my pelvis, and it was so tight that my insides were very compressed.  

After surgery, some of my back pain went away, and I felt much better....until my next period, which sent me back to the ER, but we've concluded that was because it was only about 2 weeks after surgery and I was still recovering.  I managed to get several months of less painful periods.  About this time, we started having my husband tested for fertility issues and we were told that his sperm count was slightly low (after only one test--this is important to remember for later), so they sent him to a urologist who did all sorts of exams but could find no reason for his count to be so low.  About 6 months after my surgery, my period arrived about a week early and I passed out at a play my younger brother-in-law was in--right in front of everyone.  They rushed me to the tiny ER, where the doc gave me whatever pain med I asked for (sad that I have preferences?) and sent me on my way.  Now I'm really struggling with the realization that I may never bear children of my own.  A couple months after that incident, my husband receives orders to Okinawa, Japan, and we were a little elated--its called a "2-baby tour", everyone who leaves comes back with at least one extra (gotta work for us, right?).  In the months before our move, my OB/GYN suggest I do a HSG (I can't quite remember the long name for it) where I have a dye injected through my cervix into my uterus and up through the Fallopian tubes during an x-ray to see if there are any blockages.  Unfortunately, we were unable to get it scheduled before we moved.

I get overseas and discover that I am running out of my pain meds--let me stop here and tell you what type of treatment I was on for my endometriosis:  I was taking an NSAID twice a day, every day, for at least the 2 weeks leading up to my (expected) period.  This keeps me out of the ER every month.  So I go in to my new doctor to discuss renewing my prescription--the base pharmacy here doesn't carry that drug, so I'm stuck with 800 mg of Ibuprofen (Motrin/Advil) 3 times a day....this can lead to all sorts of nasty things, such as liver/kidney damage and migraines (and I've never had a migraine before this last year).  But its the only thing they can give me, and forget about getting Vicodin to have at home....And I'm once again sent to an OB/GYN to work out what to do.  They also order another round of semen analysis for my husband.  His analysis came back lower than the minimum normal count, but before he could be sent to the urologist again, he needed to have 3 consecutive low results (which they didn't do in the states).  He averaged the same on each of those 3 tests--75% lower than what it was when he had first been tested 3 years previously.  So he see the urologist, and again they can find no reason for his counts to be so low.  Meanwhile, I have the privilege of going through the HSG procedure, where we discover that my right tube is blocked, but they won't go in and take care of the blockage because I could get pregnant with one open tube.

At my next appointment, my OB/GYN sat me down and we once again looked at the options available to me.  (This is where it gets hard.)  Our insurance won't cover anything more than what has already been done, and IVF in Japan (while cheaper) has only a 3% success rate.  I could go back to the states, but then I'd be separated from my husband for the duration of the treatments, and even then, there is no guarantee of success with a healthy sperm count (and my husband's is less than barely optimal).  We would be looking at the most expensive IVF procedure, and even then, a good fertility doc would insist on using donor sperm.  I was flat-out told that my best chance to have a baby of my own would be to go back to the states and do IVF with donor sperm.  Talk about a slap in the face.  However, I could go back on any number of birth control options to manage my endometriosis symptoms without the liver damage and other side effects that come from long-term (we're talking 16 years at time of this post) use of NSAIDs.  To say I was in tears is quite an understatement.

Several years ago, about a year into my marriage, I "let go" of the disappointment of infertility and made the choice to let the Lord handle it.  But it wasn't until my husband's last deployment in 2010 when I prayed with such intensity (for many reasons, this just being one of them) that I truly gave it over to the Lord.  Do I still get a yearning? Yes.  Do I still feel a pang of jealousy when I see my friends having children?  Yes.  But I've learned to take my callings in the church (I just finished 5 years in Primary and now I'm in Cub Scouts), and the opportunities that I have to substitute teach and babysit as a way to fulfill my calling as a mother on this earth.  We've talked a lot about adoption, and are weighing our options in that venue, but I try to enjoy doing things alone with my husband, in our little family.  That doesn't mean that I don't want children or that I've given up on having them.  It just means that I'm trying to let the Lord's plan play out in His own time, in His own way.  

Many of the people I know/talk to struggle with PCOS, but there are many reasons for infertility--my husband and I just happen to be struggling with endometriosis and idiopathic (unexplained) male infertility.  But we don't let it stop us--we keep trying to conceive and bless the lives of the children around us.